Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?**

HELLO BLOG! 


Weather: Warmer and Sunnier = Happier

Exchange Rate: 1 USD = 1.44 EURO :(

On Friday night we cycled to a BBQ that the FRG (Family Readiness Group- its a group of volunteers that does charity events, raises money for our community and supports the families of deployed soldiers) hosted for the new company commander.  Upon return we conquered Mount Tiffany....although I felt like all the wine I had and the hot dog I ate were going to come back up at the top......

Saturday morning, LEGS volunteered me for a dodgeball tournament.  We inevitably woke up late and had to hall ballz (pun intended) down to base.  I was so nervous, I hadn't played dodgeball since grade school, and watching the movie was not calming my fears of inadequacy.  We made it to the quarter finals and then lost.  I put in a pretty aggressive performance in the last game......since I was the only girl on the team, I was a target, they bombarded me with balls all at once.  

I didn't even see it coming......

And I got nailed right in the face......

(IMAGINE IN SLOW MOTION)

Everybody was wondering if I was okay.....my lip swelled up and I was worried that my nose was going to start bleeding.  But....let me tell ya, a ball is so much more forgiving than a fist so it wasn't even that big of deal to me.......

LEGS and I needed some quality time together this weekend.  We watched the movie Secratariot.  I have never bawled so hard and so often in a movie my entire life! It was such a refreshing, enthusiastic story of hope, perseverance and spirit.  

We also watched a movie called 'Hunger.'  It was about one of history's most controversial political acts, in the Maez prison, in Ireland, 1981.  Bobby Sands a IRA member went on hunger strike to get the British government to recognize him and his counterparts as a political prisoner.  He died after 66 days.  I found the film to be slow, but haunting....not something I will ever forget watching.

And then.....I checked my facebook, only to find people upset about Amy Winehouses'....inevitable.....death........

Broken up about Amy Winehouse?

BLECK! Give me a break!

Let me ask you a question, Where does the weekend go? I have so many things to do and I haven't done any of them......

We did another cycle trip on Sunday.  We rode 40 miles.  We had a tail wind heading out, so that part of the ride was really fast and fun.  But coming back.....I was having to SOLDIER UP hardcore.  I wanted to quit, complain, call somebody and get a ride back....but I just kept telling myself what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.....I made it back, and I wish I could say that I was proud I did.....but the memory of the ride has me shying away from getting on my bike this week.......

I was thinking about my homesickness......

First of all...homesickness is NO JOKE.....you feel like you are going to die a miserable, lonely death in the pit of despair.....and there is no light, and there is no end to the agony.......

Then you wake up one day and you feel perfectly fine! 

Isn't that so weird?

I mean what am I 'sick' about any ways?

It most certainly is not the home I grew up in as a child.  Or the house that I lived in while I was in ALASKA last.....somebody is living in that house now.  Yes.....I miss my friends and my family, but this picture I have in my mind doesn't exist anymore.....

I have changed, and they have changed......

If I threw in and went back home....it would just be foolish.....

Home....home is wherever I make it.  And right now home is in NEVER NEVER LAND.

I was talking with my BFF yesterday.....When you are away from home, you feel like you are in a time capsule.  All these things are happening back at home, while you are watching standing still. Obviously you are not just standing still, you are doing stuff, but its hard to share the things you are doing and the things your are experiencing because the people back home cannot comprehend it......

Yesterday was a tough day for me, and I still cannot fathom the loss of those two children......I started the day out by looking for inspiration, to start a new day, a new beginning and I found it in the form of this quote;

'But tomorrow, dawn will come the way I picture her, barefoot and disheveled, standing outside my window in one of the fragile cotton dresses of the poor.  She will look at me with her thin arms extended, offering a handful of birdsong and a small cup of light.' -William Collins

This is so, so beautiful....one of my very favorites....doesn't this just make you want to take a deep breath, exhale with gratitude and change the world today?

I have been debating for months now....whether or not....to put such personal stuff in my blog.....I have been patiently waiting for the answer...and it came to me the other day in a message from a fellow friend and dear reader........

Then.....I started to really think about it......and I decided that.....I should set it up like those commercials.......

You know.....

The awkward ones that come on while your sitting next to your Father in Law, or your Step Dad......

About Viagra, or Cialis, or birth control, or even the normal medications that have the obscene side effects like anal leakage........

So here it is......

We have decided to use a different birth control method....other than the pill. (Its been a long time cumming....pun intended)

Because I know people are going to get OVERLY excited we are not TRYING to have a baby......

I have heard that.....your Whoopi Libido increases....when you get off the pill.

I would say its true.

We have also.....due to my high cholesterol and LEGS' family history started to take Fish Oil. LEGS' family history includes problems with dementia and memory.  Fish Oil is good for your brain.

A friend and reader sent me this;

ARMS Mailbox:

(Side Note: In reference to the Cleanse that I am embarking on)

'Surprise side effect.  Fish Oil does some nice things that you wouldn't expect, TMI maybe....But when I started taking those, holy cow.  I was making Whoopi and when I had a "O" it was INSANE.  My husband thought he made a major achievement!!! :) '

I was literally laughing out loud when I read this....

and I felt like this reader was spying on me!

I started to get paranoid.....surely my.....WHOOPI sounds had not traveled half way around the world!?!  

I am not a doctor.  I am not a scientist.  But by GOLLY! If I can help a reader/friend make better WHOOPI, I am all for it.  

I would say that Fish Oil may increase the intensity of your "O."

FISH OIL/OFF THE PILL PRESCRIPTION:

Purpose: What the world needs now, is love, sweet love, its the only thing, there is just too little of...

Uses: Back in the Saddle Again, Super Freak, Funky Cold Medina

Warnings: Sex Therapy, Sexual Healing, Like a Virgin, 

Side Effects: Red Light Special, Me so Horny, I want to Sex you up, 

Do not use without consulting your doctor.

ARMS' Mailbox Part Duex:

Dear ARMS,

"What other people think of me is not my business. What I do is what I do. How people see me doesn't change what I decide to do." 

I know Tom will LOVE (insert irony) me using this quote because it comes from Ru Paul (a drag queen) and to be honest drag queens scare Tom.

Always in Love with ya, Jerry

Dear Jerry,

I LOVE IT! I love drag queens and so does LEGS! We have even been to a drag show in ALABAMA.  We need to find one over here!

PS- From now on I would capitalize the word Drag Queen, I am pretty sure that it is proper and I am sure that a Drag Queen would insist on it. .*)

Love on ya, ARMS**

Dear ARMS,

I could tell you seemed a little home sick in your writing. Especially when you wrote about friends and neighbors.  It is very unfortunate how we (Americans) take more pleasure in hating and tearing each other down than we do showing love and building each other up.

Here is a Random Thought! I had this friend (a true friend since 1978). I talked with him a few weeks ago and had made plans to meet in Vegas this October.  I got a call last Sunday that he had passed the prior evening.  My thoughts were along the line of how unfair this was and how I still had somethings to say to him and also call him on. (You know how we tend to give our friends a pass because it might hurt their feelings). At any rate, I will never be able to do this now.  It's amazing how many people we meet along this journey and how few we can really say is a true friend."

Mr. T

Dear Mr. T

I still cannot believe your read my blog!  

Seriously though,

Anybody, who has the pleasure of meeting you, has access to the most sound wisdom I have every known in my whole life.  I am so thankful and so fortunate that we were able to make a friendship, and stay in touch over the years and distance.  While I was reading and transcribing your words tonight, I started to get teary.  It seems as though, your words have come to mean more to me than they did when you first sent them to me.  I found them to be comforting, but also to sum up a life lesson that I wish I would have known sooner, but am glad to know now.  

It is obvious with recent events....that it is absolutely imperative to say what you need to say, whenever you have the chance, because LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

Love on ya (from NEVER NEVER LAND), ARMS**

GUILTY PLEASURE:

I am doing really good, but its that damn cheese.....I just can't stop eating it!

OVER & OUT

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

What were your last words? :*(

Hi Blog....


Weather: Cold.....We are hoping that this is not the end of the summer and I am worried about my flowers and veggie garden.


Exchange Rate: $1.43 = 1 Euro




Every once in awhile something happens that suddenly puts life in perspective.


Sadly, today was one of those moments for me.


I have been feeling anxious, because LEGS has left town to fly a broken helicopter......I know right?


I have been incredibly nervous and have been reminded how dangerous his job is (not that I forgot).  I even had a hard time sleeping last night, I laid in the dark feeling scared in the house by myself, wondering if I would make it to sleep and if I would wake up alive.....(you know how your mind wanders and has you absolutely convinced an ax murderer is going to GETCHA!)




This morning when I woke I received a message on facebook from a dear friend, informing me that a mutual friend lost his two small children in a horrific car wreck.  

ANCHORAGE DAILY NEWS REPORTS:

Troopers said Shaina Watt, 27, of Chugiak was traveling south in her Chevrolet SUV. She attempted to pass a vehicle but lost control and her SUV was T-boned by a northbound Chevy pickup, troopers said.

The pickup was driven by James McPherson, 61, of Palmer, troopers said.

Killed in the crash were Haley Watt, 5 months old, and Levi Watt, 4, said trooper spokeswoman Megan Peters. Haley, Levi, and a woman were passengers in Watt's SUV. The side of the vehicle with the infant took the brunt of the impact, the spokeswoman said.

The baby died at the scene. Watt, Levi and the other adult were airlifted by a helicopter ambulance to the hospital, troopers said. Levi died Saturday, troopers said.

McPherson, the other driver, also was taken to a hospital for treatment of minor injuries, troopers said.

Everyone in the two vehicles was wearing seat belts or restrained in car seats, troopers said.

This father of the two deceased children was a marine, who served with LEGS in Iraq.  He made it through a tough deployment and then settled in ALASKA with his wife.  He got a job working as a guard on the gate of Fort Richardson.  LEGS and I both worked with him at this job.  I did not know him very well, as it seemed we always worked opposite shifts or at different locations on the base and he was a quiet fellow......but I remember clearly some important things about him.


He was a very hard worker.  He was a reliable employee, who showed up to work- which was at that job highly commendable as it was so absolutely rare.  I remember that he cared very deeply for his wife, he worked very hard so that she didn't have to.  


He carpooled to work with friends when he could so that she could have the vehicle to take care of business.  On the days he couldn't carpool she would drive him to work.  I remember seeing him kiss her through the car window on a regular basis, and when he would pull away, I remember seeing the anxiousness in his face as he would worry about her driving in the icy roads in ALASKA.  They had a son together.  I remember everybody at work giving him a pat on the back for producing a boy.  


I did not know his wife.  I did not know their children, except maybe a peek in the window at the newborn boy.  I barely knew him.  But......this morning has me thinking about his commitment to his family.


I remember that he was so loyal to his family, that sometimes everybody gave him a hard time about it.  We would need shift coverage and he couldn't do it because his wife was already on her way to get him, or he needed to be home with his family.  I remember distinctly people giving him a hard time, with a sideways glance, a roll of the eyes or some behind the scenes comment.   


All I could think of today, is how their last minutes together as a family were spent?  Did he kiss the children goodbye?  Were they in a hurry to be reunited?  Did he tell his wife he loves her?  Were there smiles?  


I thought of how I most certainly bet that his children knew how much he loved them, and how they probably adored him.....I was thinking how they must have known that for sure because of how committed he was to his family.  I think he may have been one of the most committed men I have ever known.  


Obviously my heart is broken, and tears are only a song, a thought or a memory away.......not because I knew them all that well, but because of how angry I am at myself for not being even more grateful for this day.  For not loving my own family more.  For not being more forgiving, compassionate, and seeing life with more clarity.


I can only hope that LEGS and I will be able to show each other and our future children the absolute, loyal, non-wavering commitment that this man showed his family.  Even if it means....losing face.....


If you have honored me today by reading my words......spend a few minutes thinking about your life, your self, and the people close to you...because....


One day....YOUR LIFE will flash before your eyes....and you should make sure its worth watching.........


What have you done today to make your life count? Are you who you want to be? Are you where you want to be? Why not? What have you done to show the people you love most, that you DO love them? That you do care?  And if there is no one special in your life.....How come? How do you make people feel? What was your last facebook status?  How did you say goodbye this morning to those that you love?  What were your last words?


Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

The most EPIC BATTLE of ALL TIME! **

HIYA BLOG!


And now....Karmella with the Weather:  This week has been wet, rainy, soggy and cold.....


Exchange Rate: $1 USD = 1.44 EURO :(


I am feeling better since my last blog.  I always feel bad posting the sad stuff because I don't want to bring anybody down, or make anybody worry, or heaven forbid appear weak and needy.  I felt even worse when LEGS read it and felt bad because I feel so alone.  


Its kind of a weird phenomena.  I don't miss home exactly, I just miss the way I used to feel when I was home.  I have friends I can lean on and call here, but I guilt myself out of it because I don't want to bring anybody down with my melancholy.  


TRUST seems to be a big issue here.  You can't say much to anyone with out it getting around, I don't mind so much, I mean I put so much of our lives out there in the blog, but I dislike the judgement part of things.  People are quick to make assumptions, and often misconstrue your identity.  


I have decided to be patient toward all the things that are unresolved, to let the answers of my questions come to me, to actually live out the questions and gradually discover the answers.  


I think I may be done caring what people think.  I have been doing a lot of soul searching this week.....I have been thinking about how I was in ALASKA, how I was in ALABAMA and how I have some how misplaced and mis-represented my priorities.  


Some people here have gotten more charity from me than I would have granted anybody in the past.  In the past I would have written them off and moved on STAT, but, I have been really trying to be more forgiving, and more receptive to the differences that people possess.  


In the end I know that I am good person, and I am satisfied with my performance as a wife, a friend, a daughter, a AUNTIE, and specifically as a MILITARY WIFE.  I have come to the realization that this is just a phase, and in a month or two I will laugh at myself.  


I cannot stress enough, how hard it is to give everything up to be with the man you love, just to stand in the the shadow of his career.  Looking in from the outside there is a real "macho" attitude, (which I find more hysterical than upsetting) so if you are strong personality for a wife people fixate on you.  


The Phoenix hope can wing her way through the desert skies, and still defying fortune's spite; revive from ashes and rise' -Miguel de Cervantes


I used this quote to motivate me a lot in boxing, because there really is nothing worse than getting your a** kicked in public.  And I am finding it to be quite helpful to me now in my search for my identity here in NEVER NEVER LAND.  


Its an honor that so many have fixated on me, and that my name, my blog, and my marriage to LEGS is on the lips of many, instead of feeling like the performer being socked with rotten food, I am choosing to stand on stage NAKED and SING, SING my little heart out. :D Yeah....so there!


"Marriage is hard.....just two people slogging through the shit, year after year, getting older, changing.  Its a fucking marathon okay? So, sometimes, you know, you're together for so long, that you just...stop seeing the other person. You just see weird projections of the your own junk.  Instead of talking to each other, you go off the rails and act grubby and make stupid choices..."


My Sissy sent me this quote on facebook.  I am sure you could detect by my last blog that our marriage was not all happy in NEVER NEVER LAND.  I would say that we haven't made it to the part where we don't talk....but I would agree that marriage is hard, and that we have slogged through a lot of sh*t.  


I mean, we have been together for a decade.  We have been financially stable, not so financially stable, we have been through some tough deployments, been through the party phase, been through career changes, personality changes, rebirths, plateau's, we have outlasted many of the couples we knew way back when, and survived the CONSTANT attack on the sanctity of marriage.  


Getting married, when the divorce rate is so high, getting married even though its becoming more and more frowned upon in our generation, getting married in the military, where not only does the lifestyle consistently put obstacles in place to prevent a happy marriage, but some of the population in the military repetitively treat marriage as a stigma, makes it the most EPIC BATTLE OF ALL TIME!  


Its US against the WORLD!!!  


People fight.  If they don't, somebody is eating sh*t all the time.  Our fights are few, we have more happy times than sad times.  And God strike me with lightening, I don't want to sound like a romantic sap but.....  I really LOVE him.  I LOVE him more and more every single day.  He still gives me butterflies, he still makes me weak in the knees, I am still insanely attracted to him.  But....our love has grown, he gives me the confidence I need to be who I am, we support each other's dreams- ALWAYS, and we always have the Mr. & Mrs. Smith thing to fall back on......

I have started to focus my energy on things that I am afraid of.  I am afraid I will never learn German, so I have been reading books, completing Rosetta Stone tutorials, listening to German on my iPod, and aggressively looking words up that I don't know.  While I feel accomplished, stimulated and excited....I can't help but feel like a toddler learning English.


I am afraid of my sewing machine....but I really want to learn how to sew, so that I can line my knitting.  I faced that fear this week too and spent several hours practicing.  I was hoping to get back to it, but I have been so busy! 


And I have started doing 'kind' things for others.  I have made baked goods and delivered to my neighbors, I have spent some quality time with some of the frazzled Mommies over here, and I delivered flowers to my NEVER NEVER LAND OMA the other day.  She had a knee replacement done so I went to visit her in the hospital.  I was kinda surprised that they cram 5 people in a room over here- can you imagine?  These acts of kindness have made me feel so priceless that nobody could bring me down!


When I saw Mariannae I almost cried.  She is recovering well and to my delight will be home in Oberdachstetten this week!


At dinner the other night.....LEGS and I did a 'What do you Miss about the States?' night.  Its where we go back and forth about the things we miss. 


The top of our list was the "Commercialism" of the States.  Being able to shop easily, bargain hunt, buy everything at one store.  I know that I have been missing the shopping because I have been dreaming about shopping for weeks now.  LONGSHANKS sent me this video a couple of weeks ago, and I have been wanting to start using this philosophy in my own life, however I feel that it may be difficult over here in Europe.  Nonetheless I am going to attempt it, and I will keep you posted on how it goes.

Isn't this AMAZING?


Its all fun and games until Karmella knocked the #9 key off my mac book, luckily LEGS fixed it!  


Did I mention I suffer from Tourrette's in the kitchen?


The other night LEGS made homemade guacamole, poured me a german beer, turned on TRUE BLOOD, and sat on the couch with me while the rain poured down outside......damn....he is really putting the moves on me.... :D


Workout Status:


Weight:142
Diet: Semi-Disciplined, but there have been a lot of functions I have had to attend in which eating is necessary to be socially acceptable.


I got my bike back from the shop this week.  I almost cried when I saw it.


LEGS and I were sitting on the couch, he was watching the updates on the Tour de France, and he keeps telling me 'THERE ARE YOUR LAMPRE GUYS!!!' I looked over at him and said 'Where are the GIRLZ at?' LEGS:' They don't ride in this race....' :( On one hand, what a F ING disappointment....on the other hand....Yeah....if it was easy more chicks would be doing it!


LONGSHANKS' Story:


She is wanting to lose weight.  So she downloaded a "Lose It" App on her phone.  It counts your calories and puts you on a schedule etc.  She did well for the first 9-10 days but then fell off the wagon.  It has been too hot where she is to cycle, so she has been doing a very intense spin class instead. But just recently she has been cycling more.  She is down 4 pounds.  She said that she is going to try out the 'Men's Cycling shorts' as I told her I found them to be more comfortable and get back to me.  MORAL of the STORY: If an App helps you- USE IT!, Everybody falls off the wagon, just get back on! Find Exercise that you ENJOY!


So....I have wanted to do a 'cleanse' for a long time, but have never had the ballz OR felt like it was a "safe" thing to do after hearing so many horror stories about cleanses......After doing research on products, I just ordered the stuff to do the 24 day TRIM Challenge by Advocare, I plan on blogging about my experience, and hopefully becoming a healthier, fitter me.......

Guilty Pleasures:


I have been guilty of spending the day in my pajamas and vowing to stay inside the house all day.....is this kind of behavior excused if we got 2 inches of rain?


Random Thoughts:


LEGS was flying a VERY late night tonight, I have been super lazy all day and LIZA brought me dinner, she saved me from eating a bunch of random stuff out of the fridge, and feeling even more sorry...This is me, justing thanks her fromt eh bottom of my heart, and thanking the Universe for sending me an angel that I desperately needed....WHISKEY GIRLZ 4 LIFE! :*)


(Yawn) man.....I hate being on the same schedule as LEGS....late nights, mid-days, early night, early days....SEESH....**


My Sissy had a dream:  LEGS took her for a ride in a helicopter, she said it was kinda weird because he wasn't feeling well, like he had diarrhea or something.  Instead of a real helicopter, this one had a thing in the middle that you spin to make the blades work (like the tea cups at the fair) I guess he was spinning the thing in the center but his stomach was hurting so bad he had to make an emergency landing so that he could go to the bathroom....


I cannot begin to tell you, how on point this dream was. (LEGS suffers from IBS). 


"No one cares what you know, unless they know that you care." -Unknown      PRICELESS! .*D


All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watching the puddles gather rain


And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of view
But it's not sane.....its not sane....


My Grandfather on my Father's side has bent pinky's, he is the most stubborn difficult man to deal with.  I too, have bent pinky's and I always say if you box, you have to be really stubborn, otherwise the sport will break you down......Guess who else has the stubborn bone? RYLEE! FUTURE BOXER! Can't wait to see the affects of this family trait when she is a teenager!

My apologies about not being more consistent with my blog- I really am trying to be better about it from here on out.....

Just another week in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

Trying to LOVE myself, be my own HERO, and SAVE MYSELF....**

Hey BLOGGY BLOG!


Karmella's Weather Report (insert news tunes): Today, in Southern Germany we are experiencing rain.  


Exchange Rate: $1 = 1.41 Euro


If people were meant to pop out of bed we'd all sleep in toasters. -Jim Davis


I like this quote because it is so hard for me to drag out of bed at 5am to go running, yet when I do, I feel so incredibly energized the rest of the day!


This week I have been extremely productive which is satisfying, but also has me thinking while doing all the menial tasks that life requires of us.  


I love how I repeatedly say that I think about all kinds of stuff, but I do...there is always so many things bouncing around in my head that I find it hard to sit still, or sleep, or even cope especially recently in NEVER NEVER LAND.


Its not that I don't have friends, because I do.  Its not that I don't have plenty to do, because I do.  And when I logically sit down and think about it, I can't even exactly pin point the exact thing that has me feeling, like I am a satellite just floating aimlessly through space feeling happy one minute and incredibly sad the next.


I think....


That I am in desperate need of quality time with LEGS. 


I know what some of you are thinking.....


You are thinking, seesh.....I can't believe she is complaining, I never get time with my husband.  I respect that, but lately I have been thinking that even if I had a child, at least I wouldn't be so alone, so much.  


And I have said....many times....and still stick by it....that I really don't mind being alone, I really don't, I am pretty good about entertaining myself.


But on Friday night when LEGS got home, I found myself being drawn to him on the couch and curling up like a cat in his lap because, I just needed that unconditional affection, that you can ONLY receive from those that are REQUIRED to LOVE you.  I needed it so much that I was in his lap 3 or 4 times and could not peel myself away.....


I just needed that touch and comfort.  


I don't like to cry.  I hate it. And I really hate when people see me cry.  But I have been on the edge of tears so much lately....


My vulnerability has been fueled by my obscene insecurity over things that I still don't fully understand or comprehend.  


I wrote a blog awhile back, that was controversial in nature.  Its caused me, LEGS and some of my friends incredible heartache.  Feeling guilty, foolish, and embarrassed about the whole thing, I have been keeping a low profile blog wise, making grand gestures to re-gain the trust that I lost, and tip toeing through events in fear of upsetting anyone further.


I have spent hours retracing my steps, my words, my actions, asking, investigating, questioning all that has been said, all that has been done to perhaps see why I have received such backlash, and have come up with nothing.  I even read the said controversial blog the Friday night, and feel it is one of better writings, which has been completely destroyed and has been responsible for my slow deterioration.....I feel like a witch that has been burned at the stake because I didn't pass some sort of ridiculous test.


All the GIRLZ have been asking me when I am going to have another STITCH and BITCH, because the last one was so much fun, but I haven't even felt like doing it, in fear that I will be opening the floor for more controversial topics, and the inability to withstand any attacks on my character. 


I inadvertently lost my cell phone (as mentioned in the previous blog), so I put on my new number on facebook, and requested that my friends text me so that I have their numbers again, since they were obviously lost with the phone.  Is it completely pathetic that only a few people texted me?  Is that any indication of what my friend status is in NEVER NEVER LAND?  


And MY GOD, how ridiculous I sound....boo hoo poor me I don't have any friends...nobody likes me....


But....how hard it has been on my soul.....


As a brave, proactive leap of faith, I decided to schedule a STITCH and BITCH.  I felt that it would be a great opportunity to re-iterate its positive qualities and if any negatives became apparent it would be squashed verbally by me and indicative of the atmosphere I breed.  


Before the STITCH and BITCH even convened, it was clouded by a warning in official capacity....along with the mention of blogs......as places where negative behavior was condoned and accepted......


Its times like these where I feel like an epic failure.  Where I question and wonder about myself, about my motives and wonder how I even got as far as I did in my life...


I mean how could a negative person accomplish all that I have accomplished?  How could a negative person manage a successful marriage, box, work with troubled youth, attempt to learn another language, bounce back from the tragic death of a friend, or survive.....


I decided Friday night, that I needed a cocktail, because sometimes....the answer is right in front of you....just keep on drinking.......


I attempted to grasp what I desperately needed from LEGS as well...but he was too tired to give it to me.......


On Saturday....


I woke up feeling reassured and confident.  LEX came to me in my dreams....he was his old self, and I started to feel like I used to.  More confident, secure....untouchable......he must have known how terrible and pathetic I have been feeling lately...he must have seen me crumbling....


I briefly spoke to his sister and she really cheered me up, she really took my mind off they way that I had been feeling.......


Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image.  What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. -Sidney Madwed


But....my temporary relief was crushed.....


The day just didn't go well.  


LEGS was in a fowl mood because he didn't have his bike.  While he sulked on the couch, he made me feel worse and worse for doing the errand of running our bikes to the bike shop, without meeting his expectations of a timely return.....and....I didn't have my bike either.....after watching him stomp around...I finally challenged him....why didn't he just go get his bike if he wanted it?  So he did.....he called the bike shop and picked up his bike early.


I am a firm believer in having what you want, when you want it, but I felt that my selfless and challenging errand was completely void, when LEGS picked up his bike....I mean why did I go through all that trouble???


And didn't LEGS want to spend time with me?  Couldn't he tell that I am really struggling right now?  And let's face it, we weren't really fighting about the bike, or the blog, or any of the trivial things that were brought up.....it was all about my insecurity....


Its hard for me to admit I am needy, I try to be low maintenance, but did I really have to SPELL OUT THAT I was feeling this way??? I have been saying all kinds of things that aren't like me, I have been crying WAY more than I usually do....wasn't it kind of obvious???


I could tell that he had started to feel guilty about his tantrum because when he came home he buttered me up by doing a few chores around the house and assured me that I could 'out' his behavior in the blog.....he also re-confirmed his love for me, which I appreciate, but then he had to leave again.


To drown the feeling of abandonment in my time of need, I took a nap.  When I woke, I got dressed, put some make up on.  I had to pull myself together for a STITCH and BITCH I didn't even want to have.  And then.....


I couldn't find my engagement ring.  Nothing like feeling pitiful and then losing something precious and symbolic........


When things like this happen I get really worked up about it.....did you know that one of the WIVES of an APOLLO 13 Astronaut lost her wedding ring down the drain the week before he was scheduled to go to space? 


This was such a bad omen......I started to panic and search the house top to bottom.  I tried to focus on preparing for STITCH and BITCH, but I just couldn't get it together, I wanted to cry, cancel the event, and GO HOME, back to ALASKA, where I have true, faithful friends, where people love me, where people know me, when I can just go down the street to The Mommy's house and have a glass of wine, I can watch the news with The Daddy, and Laugh and Fight with my SISTERS, Go to the boxing gym where I have rough, tough, trash talking friends and a COACH that make me rougher, tougher, and stronger every day.....and sleep, wake, work, and play in a world of SECURITY.....


I want to be seen as strong.  I want to be a leader.  So I pulled it together and as soon as the first GIRLZ showed up, I started to feel better.  One GIRLZ Mommy brought me an ORCHID....and for an few hours I felt like I had my MOM around....what is it about Mom's that give off that vibe of security and willingness to let you cry on their shoulder? (Not that we use it, but just that its there is comforting in itself)


STITCH and BITCH is a team building function that I came up with- once a month the WIVES meet, we knit or crochet-and we teach those who don't, we have wine, coffee, desserts etc., and we BUILD OUR TEAM for WHEN the BOYZ DEPLOY, its great and I have an amazing group of gals to LEAN on....


And since MY event was addressed in an official capacity this is me acknowledging in an official capacity the content in our session last night; 


STITCH and BITCH Minutes:


Knitting/Crochet
Child Rearing
Sex
Survivial
Husbands and their annoying habits
Food/Wine
Home
Travel
Language


All positive and "non-rumor spreading" topics.  


LEGS found my ring this morning.  But promptly left for a bike ride.....


So for most of the day today....I have been thinking.....about the people that have been "affecting" me lately.......and the conclusion that I have come to is this;


How surprising it is to me that men can be so selfish, and can live their lives in such a way that allows for not other commitments, responsibilities, or even the slightest consideration for others, and then run around to those that have everlasting commitments, many responsibilities and consider others always, criticizing, attacking, and living an existence that can only be interpreted as pitiful, sad, lonely.....


I spent the rest of the afternoon with some girlfriends at the Spa.  I suspect LEGS wanted me to be at home waiting for him.  But I needed to feel love, I needed comfort.


While I was floating in the salt pools, and letting the jets run over my body....my soul started to shine........and I started to feel empowered...I dug down deeper....then I have ever had to.....to be my own hero, and save my own self.....


Sometimes........


If, for whatever reason, you can't 'feel the love' that you need.....


You need to LOVE YOURSELF......


This is me.....trying to LOVE myself more.....and be my own hero, and save myself......

Random Thoughts:


I have 6 friends in NEVER NEVER LAND, two of them are pending but I have 6 friends.  


I am getting old, I know this because I had to take an ALEVE fro my knee and a Vitamin B to avoid an afternoon nap.


I find it necessary to actually schedule time to relax.


Sometimes being strong means being kind.


Spending time with girlfriends is imperative.


We are all worms......but I do believe I am a glowworm. -Winston Churchill .*)

A real woman always keeps her house clean and organized, the laundry basket is always empty. She's always well dressed, hair done. She never swears, behaves gracefully in all situations and all circumstances. She has more than enough patience to take care of her family, always has a smile on her lips, and a kind word for everyone. Post this as your status if you, too, have just realized that you might be a man. .*D

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**