Weather Report: Starting to get really chilly and foggy.....My yard is covered in leaves and I have absolutely no motivation to get out a rake them up.....
Exchange Rate: BOGUS.....
While LEGS was home.....(let me quantify it since the END of SEPTEMBER he has been home for approximately 100 hours)....we went to the The GREAT PUMPKIN FESTIVAL in LUDWIGSBERG NEVER NEVER LAND.
Halloween is NOT celebrated in NEVER NEVER LAND the way it is in the states, while I was feeling seriously jealous of all the Halloween celebrations I was missing, I guess when you live in NEVER NEVER LAND its not NECESSARY to dress up and celebrate because you already live in a world of make believe.....
At the Festival EVERYTHING is PUMPKIN. Every year they have a theme, this year was DINOSAURS they make life size DINOSAURS completely out of pumpkin, they serve pumpkin food and drink, and also sell pumpkins/pumpkin products.
It was a crisp fall day, and luckily it stayed dry while we played around at the festival. It was also LIZA'S Birthday, so in honor of her, a large group of us planned to attend the festival on the same day at the same time. It was timed just right so that all of us sat down at picnic tables and enjoyed PUMPKIN treats together in celebration of her UN-BIRTHDAY! It was good for the kids too, everybody who has kids was able to take pictures and let the kids play on the various play grounds, court yards, and enjoy the dinosaur displays.
The food was pretty awesome- LEGS and I enjoyed PUMPKIN SOUP, PUMPKIN RAVIOLI, and PUMPKIN QUICHE, along with SUPERB BEER and PUMPKIN CHAMPAGNE!
I never met a pumpkin.....that I didn't like....
Here us a picture montage of that day;
Ahhhhhhh......my FAITHFUL readers.....I have hit a profound and really very interesting ROUGH PATCH.......it started on Tuesday of this week and by today I was floundering..........
My circumstances in life have taken me to live out a dream for many, I live overseas, in EUROPE, in NEVER NEVER LAND. While that is a incredible opportunity there are some drawbacks.....there always are......
One such drawback is the lack of AMERICAN. THANKSGIVING is a AMERICAN holiday. This proves to provide a whole bunch of obstacles that must be overcome in order to celebrate THANKSGIVING. These obstacles tend to come in the form of SUPPLIES and LOGISTICS.
While residing OFF POST- many of our appliances such as refrigerator's, freezers, and ovens are of the smaller european variety. This makes housing a turkey, cooking a turkey and having a place for the inevitable influx of leftovers more like a military operation in itself.
And.....as much as I appreciate the effort, and admire the quality whatever shin dig the ARMY puts on.....can be.....mostly....a little FORCED....and LAME......
I approached J. LO a month ago and asked if she wanted to do a little THANKSGIVING POTLUCK at her house for our group of friends. J. LO LOVES FOOD, and LOVES PEOPLE and LOVES FEEDING PEOPLE FOOD, so in my mind- I thought MY GOD it couldn't be better matched! The real bonus is she has an AMERICAN OVEN! (one....that is large enough....to fit a TURKEY.)
Gracious and delighted at the idea- J. LO embraced and offered up her home to a mass of Americans who wish to celebrate the time honored tradition of GIVING THANKS.
That solves the logistically problem with the exception that those attending MUST bring tables and chairs!
Now on to the SUPPLY issues......
Last year while we were stationed at FORT RUCKER both the commissary and the nearest WALMART RAN OUT OF PUMPKIN.....like RAN TOTALLY OUT.....
SUPPLIES over here are difficult and scarce to come by- in most cases a several hour drive or overnight stay to secure some AMERICAN GOODS is not out of the required behavior......
DUE to this FACT.....and the nightmare of having a CELEBRATION without the GUEST OF HONOR- THE TURKEY, I started to get pretty nervous when a trip to the LARGER Commissary on Tuesday of this week left me with an up close and personnel look at the ALMOST BAREN TURKEY SECTION....
The wheels in my head started turning and the horror of hungry AMERICANS in high hopes of the grand AMERICAN Tradition of eating TURKEY on THANKSGIVING DAY....mortified me into ACTION....
This ACTION was BOSSY in nature and offensive to the receiver......
You know those moments in life where you are going along just like you always do, and then suddenly OUT OF NO WHERE a bomb of drama just goes off....so you run, take cover, fight. flight. attempt to survive....but during all the confusion every step you take is the wrong one? Insert one of these here......
The end result is that I went to bed Tuesday night very, very, very ANGRY. You know the kind of angry where you feel like raging? Your heart is pounding, your pits gets sweaty, your face is red, there is probably steam coming out of your ears......
At this point....I had no where to turn, everybody that could console me was unavailable for my late night RAGE....so I started looking up famous quotes about ANGER through google.....I managed to calm down to a more laser guided angry (as opposed to RAGE) as a result of the quotes about ANGER online......I would like everybody to see that.....I was desperate enough to use GOOGLE as THERAPY.....
This is the beginning of descent......
I went to sleep like that......
And while I was laying in bed.....in the dark.....alone (LEGS IS IN THE FIELD....but of course he is...).....I hit it all.....at first it was fantasies of violence, then it was ideas of complete withdraw, and than it was utter and sheer apathy....
That kind of anger doesn't usually subside with sleep.....at least for me....so I woke up with a ANGRY hangover, it was like waking up and putting on day old socks.....you know how the idea of that is just icky and they don't fit right because they are all stretched out, and of course the bottoms are dirty.....
I got on facebook and started seeing posts from friends that I have all around the world. One girl, her Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and she had just completed her last round of chemotherapy, another guy, his son went for a minor surgery- but he said 'If you think you have it rough go to the children's hospital...'
I felt like a complete and genuinely cheap SHAM of a person.....
I realized that I NEED to GET A LIFE- FOR REAL! I went to bed ANGRY, like sweaty, heart pounding ANGRY.....about a FRACKIN' TURKEY?! I don't give a FLYING AIRPLANE about a STOOPID TURKEY! I don't even really LIKE turkey.....I ONLY eat it ONCE a year!!!
I was relieved that I had comprehended such REALITY, CLARITY, PERSPECTIVE, MINDSET........I was so glad I hadn't done anything rash, foolish or cruel as a result of my anger and thankful that LIFE had tried to sneak a JOKER in on me....but I hadn't fallen for it........
With discontent in my heart and disappointment on my face I had a ADVOCARE event to HOST......and a day to get on with.......
Naturally hardly anybody showed up to the event.......
Add on top of that a few choice texts/messages/comments that were troubling in nature, a sore throat and you have one of those days where you know tomorrow just has to be better......
My thoughts from that day are as follows;
I just do the best I can, I put myself out there, I try to be solution oriented, positive, enthusiastic, creative there is a great sense of pride in the things I have done this far in life, the obstacles I have overcome, been through, over, under, beneath, above, I attempt to execute action with wisdom, thought, with my eye on outcome, when I struggle I admit it, when I fall I get back up, when I feel something I show it...I really do just want to change the world, so many times I feel like I am too exhausted to do so, so many times I feel like its SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH......today I feel exhausted.....**
You know how I thought that the next day just had to be better? Well....It wasn't......
I woke up with a sore throat again, and my spirit was still in the toilet, but I got myself up and hurried down to base for the workout group. The group was at 9am, but I got there a little early, so I sat on the bench at the gym......on the big open basketball court and started watching the clock at 8:45am.....by 9am I started having that sinking feeling and by 9:15 nobody had shown up......I felt like a complete FAILURE.....one girl finally showed up and I was more thankful than she will ever know for the sign of support- but by the time she came I had resigned myself.....
Just quietly decided that......somewhere along the way I had done something, something that was painful to somebody and now I was paying for it......
I never call LEGS when he is in the field......but.....I called him on the way home from the gym....typically....it was fruitless.....
By the time I got home, I curled up into a ball on the bed and laid there....I couldn't help but laugh....you know that laugh where you just cannot believe that you have reached that kind of unbelievable hysteria? I even looked to the ceiling and said:
"DEAR UNIVERSE, I am a big fan of your work, GIVE ME A SIGN, I don't know what to do with MY LIFE!!!!, YOUR LOST and FAITHFUL SERVANT- Me"
Not in those exact words, but you get the point.....
Grasping at straws in my desperation to feel better I started watching you tube videos.....mostly funny ones, but there is a few violent/crazy ones in there- to pull me out of the funk.....I had a good laugh, but it didn't make me feel like I could keep on truckin'........
I just want everybody to note that I was now watching youtube videos to cope with how miserable and sad my life had recently become- that I found solace in the pain/embarrassment of others......
And after that I received several messages/comments from other friends....
Its always TOO COINCIDENTAL for me the sequence of events that sometimes come together.....but..... I after opening that package I was reminded of who I am, what I stand for, and what I live for-
Celebrating 24 days of THANKFULNESS.....I am THANKFUL for MY FRIENDS- I hope all my friends know- I could never be who I am without you- and I could never survive this military lifestyle without you either- I say....overcome with emotion- THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND! :*)
The contents of the package: A handmade doily, a tank top with a boxer FELIX the CAT on it, a pin with a bicycle on it, a book called "The Edible Yard", a handmade/personally designed bandana for sports, and a letter.
After opening this package.....I sobbed uncontrollably....and after that I rose to my feet with resolve. If people around the world believed in me and supported me with such tenderness and consideration I needed to believe in myself!
I wasn't cured or completely out of the rough patch yet though......
Its easy when you feel this vulnerable and lost to get homesick......and that I did......
All it took was a facebook post to do it......
A picture of ALASKA imposed on the rest of the STATES.....
Sporting my AK Grown hoodie to the briefing tonight- while simultaneously suffering from HOME SICKNESS- Growing up in ALASKA I learned the most important thing in life and that is TO SURVIVE! Day 3 of THANKFULNESS- I am THANKFUL that I had the HONOR of growing up in such a rugged, remote, beautiful, rough and tough environment- it taught me how to ENTERTAIN MYSELF, and HOW TO SURVIVE in the cold, the woods, the water, in a little city with BIG PROBLEMS and ALONE.....AK GIRLZ KICK A**!
And with steely ice cold resolve I dragged my pathetic beyonce' to the briefing......
Today has been a full day.....I have reached the end of the rough patch- I hope.......
I realized today in the company of people that are both wise and understanding, that........
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. -Lao Tzu
On Day Four of THANKFULNESS: Sometimes LETTING GO is STRONGER than HOLDING ON.
I had the epiphany today that even though you think you have moved on from something and dealt with it, and though its no fault of your own or anybody else's, certain circumstances remind you, haunt you, and drag you back into that mindset, situation, and emotional turmoil......sometimes though you may be done with the past, the past is not done with you.
I seem to have been learning this lesson over and over and over again these last few years but its always been under completely different circumstances.....
I am thankful that I have been lucky enough to experience all these wonderful, amazing, life altering, emotional chapters in MY BOOK OF LIFE, but......today I am embracing enlightenment, clarity and the strength to LET GO, after living out these sections of life and moving forward to the next........
Despite my guilt, and pain over things that I thought I could change about the past, I can't save every body.....as desperately and deeply as I wish I could.....I just can't........
Random Thoughts:
Literally LAUGHING out LOUD! You know your wrong when you say my team is going to suck AGAIN because they have for a long long time....and they start WINNING- that's a true lesson right there- its called STOP BEING A HATER....GO BILLS! **
Another rough patch in the life of an unlikely military wife....**
