Dear LEGS: Meet my HO.....**

Dear LEGS....
Day 18 
052412


A Memoir


Remember when........


Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. - Peter Ustinov


You wanted that iPad so bad.  I wanted you to have it but I didn't want you to ruin it on your deployment.    Through the generosity of the parental units.....you received one for your birthday this year.  


I was so happy.....but then I realized that was supposed to be the agreed upon present from me......(we don't really surprise each other any more with gifts.....and as much as I adore the romance of a surprise.....I really like the set up we have.....)  


I felt bad for not having a back up plan......I am a terrible wife who didn't even get you a birthday present.....I regret that.....IMMENSELY....


So you got the iPad.....and I was happy for you I really was, but I just knew that you would be on that thing the WHOLE vacation if I didn't say something right at the beginning......I said "CHRIS!  PLEASE DON'T BE iPAD MAN....PLEASE!"  You whole-heartedly agreed......which should have been the first red flag......and what happened.....


You turned into iPAD MAN....you were on that thing ALL THE TIME.....BobDad even hid it from you one night and you spent like 30-45 minutes looking for it.....(I am laughing RIGHT NOW.)  Anywho, we nicknamed it LILLY PAD and I started calling it the second wife.......


You were GLUED to that thing before you left.....JERKFACE.....but then I figured it out.....you were playing a SPACE GAME on it.....and even though I can take you to heaven, LILLY could take you to space.......


One night I clenched my fist and threatened to punch LILLY'S FACE IN....I was mostly joking, but you crouched over her like you were saving a child from a bear.......


Then our adopted child MARCO.....gave you a little toy for LILLY......you call it a "STYLUS" which I can't begin to tell you how pompus and corny that sounds......I called it LILLY'S PHALLUS.  


One of the first texts you sent me after you left was "I forgot my STYLUS."  Your so romantic LEGS.....I sent the damn PHALLUS,  and I hope that LILLY is keeping you company....


I have taken up a new commitment as well......meet MY HOE. 

He kinda reminds me of you.....very long, slender.....things aren't perfect, but he takes care of pests, and he feeds me......


I hope this brought a smile to your face, I hope that it made your heart happy, and that you remember how we are.......


LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**


Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**

Dear LEGS: Wish you were here.....**

Dear LEGS.....

052212

Day 16

A Snapshot

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." -C. S. Lewis

A field of wishes.....wishes you were here......wishes for your safety....wishes for your return.....wishes for our happily ever after.....I wish you were here......

Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue sky's from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
And how we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**

Just another wish in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

Dear LEGS: Always thinking STRONGER....**

Dear LEGS.....
Day 14
052012


A LETTER


"I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death. "  -Thomas Paine


Every time I tell a german where you are (honey! I am using OPESEC!) and for how long......the look of horror and disbelief on their face is so unsettling to me........They look at me with complete shock and they always ask....."HOW?"


I don't know how.....really.......And comparatively this deployment has been so much easier than the last......but its TIRING......we are two weeks down....two weeks has gone by fast....and slow......the nights are long......the nights always go slow......and they are always long.....


I always feel as if things are never how they should be.....something is just not quite right.... I can tell that things are not as happy, or funny, or sad, or scary, or perfect, or delicious, or satisfying.........everything is covered in this gray haze.....like a veil.....the emotions and feelings can be made out but not experienced clearly......


Yesterday I had boxing camp with the german females.....and you had your first flight......My stomach was in knots the whole day....and a few times I had to mentally block the urge to vomit........


Every time I actually thought about you flying or me sparring I felt sick to my stomach....I kept seeing myself as that girl that was throwing up in the bathroom...remember that girl the last time she was throwing up in the bathroom.....?


And when I did something good or when I felt tired or when I was hurt- I turned to you, to smile, or grimace, or for moral support.....but you weren't there.....and I had forgotten......I would look for you in between punches but you weren't there......you are always my biggest fan......I would stop feeling sorry for myself, I would focus on you and I would tell myself to fight.....to fight for you......


Hoffi was there.  He is such a nice man.  He said to me "how do you say in English....Camaraderie?"  I said "Yes Camaraderie....."  He told me that you and him are comrades, that he would do as you would do if you were here.....he told me this as he laced up my gloves......it was the perfect amount of assurance and comfort that I desperately needed.......but still I was wishing of you.....


Today I am upset with myself for being so anxious about sparring.....Can you imagine what it would have been like for a fight?  I just kept telling myself to focus on you.....I would put you in the center of it all and think about what you would tell me to do, or how you would handle the situation......I would focus this energy on my opponent and I came out on top every time.....I was the stronger, quicker person who always answered last.......


I was so happy I did so well....that I couldn't wait to talk to you.....but then I remembered again.....its always hard having you gone.....and during the sad, sad times, I miss you and wish you were here, but its during these happy shining moments when I feel so utterly desperate for your companionship.....these moments are completely blurred, dim, and not quite as happy as they should be....these are the times that I feel sorry for myself......


And it only got worse.....I drove home by myself....it was this beautiful sunny day.....I just kept thinking about you and how much I miss you.....and hour and half later I had arrived home and was in a complete melancholy.......


I never feel this alone.....but I don't really want to talk to anybody either.....I think I have reached that point where....you know that if you talk to somebody else you are going to poison their water too......


Sometimes I think you are the only one who is proud of my boxing....your the only real support I get.....this makes me sad.....and I wish that I could call and chat boxing with more people....but I can't.......


And alas.....my weakest points....I do feel extremely left out being one of the very few spouses without children......


I seem to be present for all these tender moments....I can tell that having children during a deployment would make your bonds stronger to them......I feel terrible...but sometimes I just don't even want to expose myself to this heartache.... which means I minimize time with the people who understand me the most....


I can't begin to describe to you the feeling of complete envy, a deep longing to be a mother.....it puts me in the is place and gives me these feelings that are difficult to bear.......


I think of how lucky I am to be able to rip and run, how much easier it is for me to be free of the burden and the obvious heartbreak of having children during a deployment......in the end I always come to the same conclusion.....I would rather have a child.....I would rather have a reason to get up every day, a schedule, a routine......a person to care for.....since you have been gone....I miss being a caretaker.....I miss being a wife to you......


I attended this lecture the other day....and we had to answer all these questions......one of them was Imagine its 20 years from now- you are surrounded by the most important people in your life.  Who are they and what are you doing?


Still not being totally sure that children are in our future, and not wanting to jinx our chances....the only for sure answer I could write is that I am WITH YOU.....and that we would live a life of happiness, adventure, travel, and I live close to my sisters. 


 And then this strange thing happened.....I imagined that you and I were bird watchers.......like the serious type.  I have fixated on this fantasy and decided that when we are old, and maybe even as soon as you get back we should start watching the birds.....I even caught myself today watching the birds in the yard.....


and looking up what they are........




you might want to send someone to do an intervention.........




and I want a bird bath.......GIGGLES....


Anyways.....I figure....if you are fighting.....I should be fighting too......I am always fighting these feelings, always fighting the sadness, always fighting myself.....always fighting for you....always thinking STRONGER.....

LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**


Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**

Dear LEGS: A Restful Emptiness....**

LEGS.....
Day 9
051512


A LETTER

"Black is real sensation, even if it is produced by entire absence of light.  The sensation of black is distinctly different from the lack of all sensations." - Hermann von Helmholtz


I don't care that its silly....and I know that I am half crazy....but....I can't help, when your away, to give more value to silly rituals, omens, superstitions, and beliefs.....I even scare myself sometimes into thinking I may have OCD.


I am definitely half-cracked for even sharing these thoughts with you and in public.    Oh for the love....you already know that I am certifiable....


You know those shrines on the side of the road?....usually they are to mark the place where somebody passed....? Have you ever seen anybody putting stuff out there?  Because I never have.....but I saw it the other day.....


It was a gorgeous, sunny, clear blue sky and HOT day....I was rippin' down B13 in the tank.....and I saw a lady.....she had flowers in her hand and after I passed she crossed the road and started putting the flowers next to the mark.....I looked at her through my rear view mirror and winced at the sudden pain in my heart......I turned down the music and slowed way down.....the afterthought was if something happened to you.....


I also started thinking about the wing necklace you gave me to wear.......Its a black crystal.....so I started wondering what a black crystal means.....because you know some hippies think that crystals mean something........hold on a second....I was thinking that I have become a hippy.....when did that happen?  I have a garden, I believe in clean eating, I'm athletic, and I knit.....so weird, when I thought of myself at 29 when I was young- I NEVER saw hippy.....Okay so back to the black crystal.....


I started wondering if my little ritual of putting it on everyday is a good omen or a bad one....based on the crystal....actually this probably won't surprise you but I was on the phone with SISSY and she looked it up and this is what we found.....


Black Energy


Black is not a color, strictly speaking. It is the absence of all color. When people speak of opposites, it is usually in terms of black and white.  Black, and its opposite white, represent polarities. Black absorbs all aspects of light.  While white reveals, BLACK CONCEALS. It has come to mean HIDDEN, FEARFUL or BAD EXPERIENCE.  It is linked to the UNKNOWN OR THE UNSEEN.


Black around the GLOBE


-In Aztec culture, black represented war because black obsidian glass was used as the cutting edge of battle swords.


-In Chinese culture, black corresponds with the five, primary elements, and the four seasons.  Black was associated with water, north, and winter.....(ME IN A NUTSHELL!)


In times of FEAR and UNCERTAINTY BLACK contains the energy of the THREATENING UNKNOWN.  In a positive state, black is seen as a RESTFUL EMPTINESS into which ANYTHING may EMERGE and DISAPPEAR ONCE AGAIN.  Its is also MYSTERIOUS, providing a sense of POTENTIAL POSSIBILITY...


Put some black in your life when you want:


-to become inconspicuous 
-to open the door to mystery
-to prepare for the unknown
-a restful emptiness


Just so that during this letter I can prove that I am not TOTALLY out of MY MIND.....I found this to be a little unsettling at first but....then I started thinking about it in context....the actually words A RESTFUL EMPTINESS INTO WHICH ANYTHING MAY EMERGE AND DISAPPEAR is exactly how I feel when you are gone like this...I just suspend myself in life, its restful in the sense that I know I don't have to move forward because I won't without you...the emptiness is ever present....and I am never sure which ME is going to rise....


and isn't that WHY its so hard?  We are in a gigantic state of the UNKNOWN.....


I also like that idea that ANYTHING is POSSIBLE....sometimes  I think in GRANDER schemes when I think of how unique our lives truly are....with my boxing and your efforts in the military we are making history because we are living for something bigger than ourselves......and how many people can say that? How many people can say that they will have single handedly participated in an event that will be in history books? 


As you already know, Mariannae's husband died many years ago.  Today her and I had scheduled to put the Dahlia's in the front garden together.  I could have done it myself but I always feel like I am in over my head when it comes to planting things right.  I was out hanging laundry on the line when she called me over to the fence.  She told me in german of course that her "man" died 21 years ago today.  


The smile disappeared from my face in a hurry....


So she was going to put flowers on his grave and she may be late for our appointment.  I am pretty sure that I just stood there for longer than I should have because my heart literally stopped pumping blood to my legs.....what do you say to something so forlorn?  


Here I am at 29 years old, looking into the face of an older woman who has been widowed.....(do these topics come up normally!?!)

 And there she is smiling at me, telling me that she will be late.....and I think.....no wonder she is so tough...and so kind and so giving.....that kind of loss, the loss that she has experienced is what makes her so special to me- because she has such compassion and empathy....she will never know how much I treasure her friendship....she will never understand how much she means to me....she even told me to tell my mom this morning "tell your mom not to worry because "Mariannae" will protect you..." Man....I don't know about you but I would not cross Mariannae in a dark alley....OR OTHERWISE.....


This made me think of you.....everything makes me think of you....while I spent hours doing back breaking work with Mariannae in the garden today....I was thinking how I don't mind the work, and how happy I am that I get to lead this life.....and even though being separated from you is so hard, and terrible and awful.....the life we lead is WORTH IT....that I am so lucky to have a man who provides for me....how fortunate I am to enjoy this life- and you risk your life to give it to me every day......


So what more can I say.....?  This is me telling you that no matter what happens......I will make this life beautiful....something worth watching......and I am always in your debt, faithful and thankful....

LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**


Just another day in the life of unlikely military wife....**

Dear LEGS: I wanna run to you....**

LEGS....
0512/1312
Day 5 & 6


A LETTER


When I DARE to be POWERFUL, to use MY STRENGTH in the service of MY VISION, it becomes less and less important whether I am AFRAID. -Audrey Lorde


I am surrounded by AMAZING women.....they all inspire me so much and they don't even know it......I am blessed with a beautiful, talented, smart and resourceful group of women who march along aside me during this difficult time.....My BELOVED ROSIE GIRLZ.....WE CAN DO IT!  


Although my letters to you have been sad, I do not want you to fret my darling.....I have some really awesome people in my life....


Looking down the pike at the beginning of a deployment can be so incredibly disheartening......this week I have felt absolutely defeated, like every single second, minute, day just slowly crawls by.....I have felt like I can handle it and then I have been robbed of that confidence......


I don't like these feelings.....that phone calls, circumstances, minutes and hours spent alone, or times when I am surrounded by people but still feel alone.....I need some control over my life....


I haven't cooked......not a god damn thing all week......


I have eaten only junk.....and even when I bring myself to eat junk, I feel like if I eat it I am going to throw up......I think that the stress of having you gone is manifesting itself in my eating habits.....I need to remedy this quickly because I want to be a strong athlete....


Since you have been gone I have struggled with normal every day operations.....I need more structure to my life....my sleep, my bed, my diet, the hours I have been keeping, its all been very random and unorganized......What better reason to get my life together than for you? 


There has been this idea circulating around about this program....called "RUN TO YOUR SOLDIER"......


So....I did the math.  Oberdachstetten, Germany to Where you are is approximately 3, 145.7 miles.  And while the idea of literally running all those miles is a feat that I would very much like to accomplish its not realistic for me to run 17 miles per day. 


In direct conjunction with my goals....I created a LIST of things that I could do to earn mileage.


Here is my purposed Mileage List.  I am submitting it to you for approval.  You know me the best, you will keep me honest.....

Activity	Purposed Miles
Actual Milage (bike or run)
Boxing Class	1
Boxing Camp	5
Boxing Match	5
Blogging/Packages to you...	1
ADVOCARE Diet	1
Sleep (adult sleep hours and 7 hours per night)	1
1 hour of Knitting	1
30 minutes of German	1
Navigating/Travel	2
Outdoor Work	1
Garden/Canning	1
Active Advocare Work	1
Training/Walking/Caring for Karmella	1
1 hour of Reading	1
ROSIE Work (FRG, Favors, Helping)	1
Being Punctual	1
Spending 1 day a week Relaxing	2
Being Strong When I feel I can't.	1

* We can always add or subtract things...(I am hoping to subtract some of the more basic routine goals with some more tangible goals once I get it together enough to do so)...but I thought very hard about some of the things that I put on there.....


I am also hoping that my plan will inspire family members and friends to support you by doing positive healthy things for miles.....

LEGS...


I want to run to you......


LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**


Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

Dear LEGS: SLEEP.....**

LEGS....
051112
Day 5


An F.Y.I.


Definition of SLEEP: The natural periodic suspension of consciousness during which the powers of the body are restored... 


I was doing really good.....but then......I wasn't.......


It is imperative to have a sleep aide, and sleep ritual in place....those of which include SLEEP. I found myself out of Melatonin.....and under extreme pressure to completely change our sleep ritual....it doesn't really work with just one person....I tried it.....


Without you......when its time to go to bed.  I stall.  For hours.  I look at the bed without you in it and I decide I have other "very important" things to do.  You know me....I hate sleep, I mean, I LOVE sleep, but I hate MISSING out on life....sleeping....


So....I look out all the windows of the house like there is something out there...sometimes I close them or open them...I spend ENTIRELY too much time writing this blog, I pace the house....checking the perimeter, answer emails, face stalk people.....none of these rituals amount to much....besides wasting valuable sleep hours....


And once I finally crawl into bed.....I spend time watching something or reading....until I can barely keep my eyes open any more.....( I often feel in life that I have not enough hours in the day to read all the things I want to read, do all the things I want to do, see all the things I want to see, and succeed at all the things I want to be good at.....)


I reach over and turn off the lights.....settle in....(at usually a very obscene hour...)


LEGS LET ME TELL YOU......


ALL HELL BROKE LOSE......


My eyes shot open and my heart skipped a beat.  I started to think about it.  About the fight on Saturday.  (Narrator: the main character in this story (the author) has a very important boxing match on Saturday and must get her beauty rest- because super heroes need to restore their powers...)


My heart started beating really fast.....and I started to think about how perplexed I am about the fight, ONLY YOU...ONLY LEGS could fully understand my angst.....


I thought...."I don't feel nervous....which makes me nervous....and I worry that nobody will come and I will be there alone......my insecurities are seeping in....and I know what must be done and I feel confident that I can do it......its just irrational fear....and the minor detail of a language barrier.....


I told myself....."GIRRRRL!  freaking out about this fight isn't helping you, you need rest, so stop freaking out and GO TO SLEEP....."


Mentally I envisioned sleep......But I couldn't fight it.....the Crazy GIRL inside of me wanted to have a full fledge freak out.....so I told her FINE....you want to FREAK OUT....GO AHEAD, BUT YOU CAN'T FREAK OUT THE NEXT TWO NIGHTS......YOU NEED SLEEP......


AND THEN.....I (THE OTHER ME) HIT A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF CRAZY.......


(SHOCKED) I start thinking about THE GIRL....MY GIRL....MY OPPONENT....I know, I know, I shouldn't but I still did....do....isn't it WEIRD that we have sparred before?  Its just weird.......right?  


(Backstory:  Several weekends ago I was invited to attend a 8 hour boxing training camp with CHAMPION FEMALES that LIVE WHERE I LIVE.....I sparred a few of them, one particular girl I felt very strong against.  I did not initially believe that she would take a fight against me because I felt that I had hurt her during the spar. But I was assured she had agreed to take the fight.....)


IN TIFFS BRAIN: COMIC BOOK STYLE


I SHOW UP IN MY CAPE TO WIN THE BATTLE.

THE BELL RINGS AND WE BEGIN COMBAT.

I AM DOING GOOD....I AM WINNING....

AND THEN.....SUDDENLY SHE PULLS OUT....
A SECRET WEAPON.....SHE RAISES HER WEAPON........

AND KNOCKS MY BLOCK OFF.....


By this point I was sweating, sitting straight up in bed, patting myself on the back, rocking myself telling myself "ITS OKAY....YOU CAN DO THIS.....YOU CAN DO THIS...."


It was like.........A NIGHT TERROR.........so vivid......


Needless to say....I barely slept.....and I can't figure out how to turn off the alarm clock on your nightstand so every morning since you have been gone.....it goes off at 5:45AM.....how do you turn it off?

LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**

Just another night in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

Dear LEGS: No AIR...?**

LEGS.....
Day 4
050912

A LETTER

How am I supposed to breathe with NO AIR?

I have been slowly moving in the mornings....and I have inappropriately answered the door on numerous occasions to get Karmella to come inside....George (the neighbor) is always out there to greet me....while I sheepishly hide behind the door tugging at my t-shirt to cover more of my body.....even the workout clothes I have been wearing are unattractive.....

The Telecom guy came the other day....it took us 20 minutes to figure out that we have TKS....I am silly girl and I forgot. The whole time I was thinking "One wrong move sunny boy and I am going to PUMMEL you...."

I went for a run.....I ran so hard that I was dragging Karmella behind me the last mile and a half......I just kept thinking over and over that I was running to you...and even though I couldn't breathe, even though every moment of every day feels like I can never take a full deep breath....even though I am always breathing shallow.....

I told myself that change is uncomfortable and that I am literally undergoing a painful transformation......like the phoenix......I was rising from the ashes....

"The phoenix hope, can wing her way through the desert skies, and still defying fortune's spite; revive from ashes and rise. " -Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

I started to think that these deployments can sometimes bring out the worst in me....I become leery, challenging, and jaded.....I lose that innocence and that blind trust....I somehow manifest a hero inside me.....and I have to be strong and brave and always ready.....the way that it hardens me frightens me.....

I am starting to get things in order....I cleaned things up, mowed the lawn, did laundry.....I couldn't bring myself to change the sheets yet, and every time I walk into the guest room it has that distinct ARMY man smell.....it always stops me in my tracks...and for that moment I just think of you.....

I am so thankful that the wives got together for comfort foods the first night you guys were gone....if it wasn't for leftovers I am afraid I would not be taking very good care of myself. I put dinner in the microwave.....(and you know me, always leaving cups of coffee in there for days on end...) I came back to the microwave after doing something and only 30 seconds had passed.....

The distance, length, and time, between us is something that I can no longer deny, avoid, or rationalize away....in my dreams 

I walked.I ran.I jumped. I flew, right off the ground to float to you.... 

LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**




Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

Dear LEGS: Just breathe.....**

LEGS.....
050912
Day 3

A LETTER

We only part to meet again. Change, as ye list, ye winds; my heart shall be, the Faithful compass that still points to thee. -John Gay

My legs felt like cement blocks.....the blood was all swelled up in my heart and throat.....But I just calmly walked back to the car, I even gave a few awkward smiles along the way. I drove home in the pouring rain and put your beloved Audi in the garage.....

I walked up the steps to our house feeling exhausted and anxious....I opened the door and closed it behind me.....I fully expected at this point to break down sobbing....but instead it was like all the air had been sucked out of the house.....it was like the absence of light and warmth, like a black hole, with no gravity....I just felt like I was floating.....

I wandered the house looking out the windows....trying to make sense of my current place in the world......My compass was going haywire, I didn't know what I should do next, I tried to remember....but I had forgotten, I tried to find it but my search came up empty, I thought I heard something but it was nothing, I thought that I saw something, but it was not there.....I felt desperate....and I couldn't even fill myself up with tears....I tried to cry...but I just couldn't........

I thought about the other wives.....how much I admire them, how strong they are and still they were crying to, I think of the children I saw screaming and crying for their "Daddies".....all these images from the day filed through my brain......

I told myself to sleep. sleep would help me forget...and cope....but I just laid in bed.....wired and tired.....and the still the pictures.....the sounds, the light and the rain.....they just obliterate what is left of my heart.......

My phone.....you sent me a text....."See you on our star...."

I write you back "I'll be there waiting...."

This idea comforts me immensely and I fall asleep....

I am woken by a thunderstorm....the static in the air is so thick the hair on the back of my neck is standing.....I can feel the fear, and the impending doom of the dark clouds off in the distance....

But I smile at the danger.....you see when SOUL MATES separate it causes such a shift in the universe, the heavens get angry and thunder and lightning result.....



I tell myself to just breathe......my compass will soon point to you...LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**

Dear LEGS: I'll be seeing you....**

LEGS.....

050812

Day 2

A MEMOIR

The Hours.....

To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Always the years between us, always the years. Always the love, ALWAYS THE HOURS...... -Virginia Woolf

Number one rule is to "look cool".....saying goodbye with some SWAGGER....I dug a antique kerchief out for the occasion one that Grandma McKay gave to me....it had little yellow flowers on it with a yellow ribbon.....and my ROSIE Kerchief atop my head....

I knew the car ride would be our last moments together.......so I put on LEGS' favorite song....and for a brief moment the sun came out.....we bombed down the road in the Audi.....

You know......I secretly wished that you would let go of the wheel....I imagined our car flipping in the field next to us....I felt security in the idea of being severely injured, maimed, or dead because at least we would be these things together.....our love has always been a little reckless, I have always felt braver, louder, and more wild with you......(tears.....)

When we arrived to the Hanger, I felt overwhelmed.....it was just rows and rows of bags and buses and soldiers.....it was controlled chaos and all I could think of was how sad it was to witness just hoards of soldiers being herded into lines, lists, signs, formations, and numbers, while us family members stood by with defeat, tears, and sheer horror upon our faces.....

You scared me when you started to stress out about packing up the last of your things.....I am not judging you, I would have started to freak out too,.....I just didn't know what to do......I asked what I could do to help....you gave me instructions.....I told myself just keep moving and assisting like a good wife.....

.....first I help hand you the plates you needed for your bulletproof vest, I studied you as you put your holster on, you were all issued weapons, you were packing your helmet which as I recall was a point of contention...which bag should your helmet go into....?

I had the epiphany during all this, a real EUREKA moment, that place where your brain is snapped so far into reality that you feel like you can't breathe......if my eyes were watering it wasn't tears of emotion, it was as a result of strangulation....

Both of us were dressing, pumping, fluffing......both of us were putting on our armor, packing, preparing and beginning that process of mentally dealing with what was about to happen.....

I started to curse and pace.....and you started a boyish bravado....that part where the shit is really real, we are really walking away from the only thing that makes sense in this world....

We collapsed into each other for our last moments, last kisses, last words....I breathed you in, felt and memorized your arms around me...I made admissions, we professed our love, and made a meeting place....

"If we get separated, and in our dreams, let's meet on the star....my star?...yes on your star...in our cabin? Yep, in the cabin......don't cry babe, I am coming back to you......I know babe, I am not crying for that I am crying because I am going to miss you so much....I know.....but you won't miss me for long because tonight, I'm coming to see you, we will be reunited in our dreams.......I love you, I love you too, I love you for eternity- I love you too....."

You pull away and smile at me, you give me that look like "don't make it harder" I nod....tears streaming down my face.........

And the last time I see you, I wave smiling and shout "I love you babe!"

LEGS.....I'll be seeing you......LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**

Just another hour in the life of an unlikely military wife....**