HONEY!?!......(deep breath) I Love You....**

HEYA STRANGER- HOW YOU DOIN'?


WEATHER: ITS FALL! and a chilly one, every morning has been frosty and every night clear as a bell.....


EXCHANGE RATE: 1 USD = $1.38


THANKFULLY!  The last two weeks haven't been so crazy.  Its always funny like that.  The LOST BOYZ leave out, everybody panic's, there is a bunch of household/maintainance/childcare issues and then.....it all calms down, everybody gets into their routine, everything starts flowing, jiving and running along smoothly.......


I have had more time to focus on my home projects.  Queen Di would be so proud, I finally overcame my fear of the sewing machine.  I completed all the mending in the household and almost finished a WHOLE POT HOLDER.  I only spent one hour picking thread out of the machine....giggles...


In preparation for the GRAND HOMECOMING me and 4 other girls took a trip to NUREMBERG to embark on a day of a BRAZILLIAN CUSTOMS....to get BRAZILLIANS.....fun times, we all piled into a van and took the waxing place by storm.....



I have missed LEGS and felt more lonely this past week.  I have got to stop eating dinner at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, I just sit there while chewing my food in silence, gazing at LEGS' and I's engagement/wedding guest book picture, by the time I am on the third bite I start feeling lonely, fifth bite sad, sixth pathetic and before I complete the meal I am crying in it because of how much I miss him......


I have been feeling so sorry for myself that I started to take it out on him....I was complaining to LEGS about the loneliness this military lifestyle forces me to endure, in response he wrote to me some of the most profound words I have possibly ever received from him, they are as follows:


'Tiff a long time ago, you made a decision, a decision that changes your life for the better. You found a man that will treat you the way you deserve, one far better than those around us, others in your family, one that will love you unconditionally....you say you did not want this life, but do you really want a different one?  i think that this life will keep us together growing old and being happy.  Distance sucks but so does divorce, we have not gotten this far because we spent time together, we got this far because we work at it and we genuinely care for one another, you say you never wanted this life but did you want this love?  Only a few people on the planet love this much, like this....143-


MY DEAR LEGS- I DID WANT THIS LOVE- I WANT IT AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR IT.....143.....


So with this lonely and sad frame of mind....I stupidly subjected myself to another Doctor's Appointment on Government Health Care........


BABY FRONT:


MISS DOT has not come.....despite my best hopes she would.


And.....I'm not pregnant......


The not pregnant thing doesn't bother me nearly as much as the lack of having a normal period since MAY!  So I scheduled an appointment.  The first thing the Doctor says when she walks in a room is "Why are you here today?"  


I don't know why....but this question just ticked me off.....


So I tell her I am not pregnant and I haven't had a period.  She tells me I should wait longer, that my body will figure it out soon enough.


I tell her all of my concerns......(my last labs indicated EXTREMELY LOW ESTROGEN)


LOW ESTROGEN raises the risk of:


Osteoperosis
Heart Disease
Premature Ovarian Failure
Failure to get Pregnant


AND....


Thyroid disorders.....so now I am wondering which came first?  The chicken or the egg?  


She says that she will call somebody for me and get a second opinion.....Gee really?  Thanks.....


She comes back with a completely different attitude after speaking to a person in OB/GYN.  They decided to run a bunch of tests on me- to include:


Thyroid Check
Estrogen Check
LH/FSH- Ovulation hormones
Testosterone
Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome- they check the blood to see if I have elevated amounts of certain hormones that would indicate this syndrome...


I left the appointment feeling sad.....


I felt sad because I hate having to be so pushy to get the care that I would have gotten when I paid for it myself.  I feel sad because I know how badly LEGS wants kids and how badly I want kids, and it just seems like its going to take us some time to work out these obstacles.....


At this point its not even really about getting pregnant, which would be great, its more about finding out why my body isn't getting back to normal....


I was crying on SKYPE to THE DADDY about this exact appointment and the feelings I was having.....


He was being so sweet....For those of you who don't know my father- at least during my childhood, he was always a hard a**, never showing emotion/affection....not sure if its his old age, or my new step mom, or a combination of them both, but he said:


"I feel weird telling you this, but with LEGS going to WAR, maybe you should think about.........


Surrogacy
Mayo Clinic
LEGS checking a sample into a Sperm Bank......


At the time it was a very emotional response, but looking back on this now- its quite hysterical.....


During all this conversation, Karmella started barking and I could swear I heard LEGS' voice.....


I DID HEAR HIS VOICE!  HE SURPRISED ME BY COMING HOME EARLY!


I was so happy because it seems as though this hitch in the field has left me dealing with more than one emotional pit fall....first I had to handle the loss of JAKE, and now a startling set back in our future plans to be parents.......LEGS, ALWAYS makes me feel better, he always calms my nerves and makes me feel at home again in my own body and mind........


The first thing he asked me is if I wanted to go to dinner.  Since we really had no feasible options for dinner I was delighted at the thought.  He told me that while he was gone he did a lot of thinking.....he said he made a couple of decisions.  One decision is that he was going to "put the romance back into our marriage."  


I have never felt that our lives were devoid of romance, or that my marriage was not full of love, consideration and tenderness......so I was momentarily dumbfounded, and left questioning what he could possibly mean.....


But after getting on the train, walking down the street, eating dinner over a few cocktails, all hand in hand and close to one another in the frigid air, while sharing the parts of our lives that had just been separated by the distance I began to see what he meant.....


He also told me that we would no longer being "TRYING SO HARD" to get pregnant......PHEW!  I am so glad it wasn't just me that found that so annoyingly pesky and completely UNROMANTIC.....


BTW- that particular lift seemed to take affect IMMEDIATELY with a record number of WHOOPI's ;)



And when.....THE LOST BOYZ return....and a new kind of chaos ensues....


Every time LEGS comes home I have to get re-acquainted with him.  There I was telling him, what I thought was a funny story, and he just sat there and starred at me like I had just told him the news of a family death.....I told him, I am not used to being around you, all my friends laugh and give me verbal/non verbal cues and you just sit there......


He called me to pick him up, the weather was too bad for him to fly out.  So I hopped in the tank in my night gown and a hoodie to go and pick him up.  I sat in the car for 45 minutes, waiting for him, before I got frustrated enough and ballzy enough to exit my car in a my linen nightgown to fetch him.....


There were several times during his two day visit home, where he would do something that would thoroughly anger me, I would scream 'HONEY!?'.....I would take a breath and he would say 'What?' I would just smile and say 'I LOVE YOU.....'


And just like that.....he was gone again......


I came home today and cleaned up the gigantic mess he left for me....and I snagged the hoodie he wore last night out of the dirty clothes basket...so that I could lay it over his pillow and pretend he is still here......


I wasn't sick of him yet........











FITNESS STATUS:


I have been holding a workout group.  We have been hitting the gym really hard, most of the days I have left the gym walking like I have a sick up my Beyonce'.  I woke up sore a lot this week.  


I think that people who read my blog and facebook posts assume that staying fit and eating right is easy for me....STOP....its not....on Sunday I ate an ENTIRE box of cookies....I have weaknesses, fears, mental blocks just like everybody else, I REFUSE to eat broccoli every single meal for the rest of my life because it doesn't taste good....but I also refuse to let these obstacles keep me from what I want, and what I want is this: When I die....I want to show up to my grave broken, tore out the frame, I want my body to resemble somebody who really LIVED....and I want to LIVE for a very long time.....


Its always so refreshing and heartwarming for me to see these women, working so hard.....Its refreshing to see people taking control of their lives....


I am excited about our group, there is a one girl who is an extreme runner- so she is in better shape than me, all the way down to people who never work out.  I feel like its the perfect hierarchy because one person is better than the next person and so on and so forth.....on top of that we have a great group of personalities even though one girl is in better shape the girl who is below her has a better attitude....


I have been working really hard, every day I come home and research a workout, so that its always changing, its always challenging, and everybody is benefitting from it.  


We did a cross fit workout.  For the next three days in order to get down the stairs I would lock my knees- because I was literally incapable of bending them, I would hover my foot over the stairs and pitch my chin out over my toe and let gravity take its course.....


I made a major achievement this week.  I currently weigh ONE HUNDRED THRITY TWO POUNDS. This is my fight weight.  I really cannot believe I was able to reach it- being that when I used to be down at this weight I was skipping dinner, watching my water consumption and working out 6 hours a day.  ADVOCARE WORKS. ENOUGH SAID.




RANDOM THOUGHTS:


I stole this from the girl I fought in the GOLDEN GLOVE CHAMPIONSHIPS 2010:  


'I'm not a regular girl. I can't have petite arms and shoulders, soft hands and the bridge of my nose isn't so straight.  Most of the time I don't stand knee to knee, I always have my balance.  A stance that is wide, like the field of my soul, and its filled with only the purest of will.  A girl that is a fighter, is not a regular girl. '


It couldn't be more perfect of a BREAST CANCER AWARENESS WALK I did with my GIRLZ- SAVE THE FUN BAGS!

I have the mouth of a sailor, I need to slow my roll and clean up my verbage, I have a friend that inspired me to do this. So far, its not been going so well.....but I am still trying......I am working on myself.....


JUST ANOTHER WEEK IN THE LIFE OF AN UNLIKELY MILITARY WIFE....**

He just has 1 bad habit.....Sh*tting Himself....**

Hi Blog!


Weather Report: BRRRRRR!


Exchange Rate: Its going back up.... $1 USD = 1.37 Euro


I held another consecutive STITCH & BITCH Saturday despite my emotional state with Jake's passing.  I think I had 17 Bad A** Chicks show up.  It felt good to have a full house, and from the bottom to the very tip top of my heart- I was so thankful.  First to the UNIVERSE for such compassionate and warm hearted friends- Second to all the ladies that GRACED and HONORED me with THEIR laughter, food, company, stories and comforting HUGS.  I will be missing them and their delectable treats until next month.  I am just so happy and thankful for their generosity, friendship, and for making my life so much more bearable during this time....

I went for a run on Sunday- I needed to run out my emotions about Jake.  I ran for him, I had no idea how far I would go or when I would be back, but I wanted to give him everything I had....and I did....I ran about 6.5 miles....


Since the LOST BOYZ have been away all the wives have been pitching in and helping each other out.  I feel like all I have done is move furniture, fix cars, watch kids, and call to do welfare checks.....While I am exhausted and I have had hardly any time to sit down and relax it fulfills me to do this work, and makes me feel like "WE CAN DO IT!" We can do anything!


At the same time.......


We are fragile......


Ever since the LOST BOYZ left every single wife has been attached to her phone....LITERALLY LIKE A BALL CONNECTED TO A CHAIN CONNECTED TO OUR LEGS.....we have been dragging, checking, holding, and re-checking our cell phones all awaiting for a call from our SOLDIERS....


There have been a couple of break downs too.....I watched a newly wed with a deployed soldier break down and seriously cry under the incredible weight of the anxiety and burden she carries sick with worry, her angst was so heavy she had us all sobbing in our lunch....because the smart ones realize this will be us soon enough.....


I cuddled with a two year old this week (after I witnessed him and his brother blow kisses to each other), he spent several minutes telling me about his "Daddy" who flies helicopters, I smelt his hair and laid him to bed, than I listened to him talk himself to sleep, it breaks my heart that these military kids have to suffer through the long absences as well....from a selfish standpoint; I have never been so jealous of all the MOMMIES out there in the world- you may think that I have everything...but I don't have that.....




Sometimes....the WORLD is too much for me...it hurts me to see the things I see and experience the things I experience....I DEAL by exercising....I did 5 miles on the treadmill today (too windy to run out side) plus a chest and back workout, I thought about the things that hurt and even shed a few tears....I am getting STRONG so that while LEGS is away- IF ANYBODY EVEN DREAMS OF HURTING ME- ITS GOING TO BE A MUCH BIGGER TASK THAN THEY HAD IMAGINED......


Ever since LEGS has been gone I have been working out a lot.  I sleep better and I deal with my pent up emotional distress this way, I hope to inspire the other wives to get stronger, be tough, and make being a victim in anyway while the BOYZ are away a lot less likely....


There have been some fun adventures this week:


A few girlfriends and I toured The Residence in Wurzberg.  The Residence is a palace in Southern Germany, that was deemed the "nicest parsonage in Europe" by Napoleon.  The Residence was almost completely burnt out during WWII, but they have restored it, luckily much of the furniture and removable interior was saved before the burn out.  We walked through the courtyards, gardens, than did the guided tour on the inside- it was a real treat to see how they lived during that time, and also witness such a beautiful piece of history......


During the tour I saw some of the most beautiful decadent interior decorating I have ever witnessed- I feel inspired to redo our master bedroom. 

PERFECT RIP JAKE....**

 After that we did a little shopping.  While we were in the department store I saw some kick ass clothes that were overpriced and I saw a female version of Jake and cried some more....all the while entertaining some other thoughts in my head about a friendship that has come under distress....


By the end of the day I realized how FULL these last few weeks have been I am in need of time and space...


As planned while the LOST BOYZ were away we took a thrift shop trip.....


I needed a good laugh and I got one....


It was kind of bizarre because we left early in the morning and drove a little ways to arrive at the first shop.  Since we pulled up right as the doors were opening I started to get that heepy jeepy feeling about myself....I mean her I was cold hard EURO in hand arriving right as the second hand store opened up, like a professional, like.....ALABAMA HOARDERS.....


Whenever we travel places as Americans- people always look at us and stare at us, I always tell myself its because they are curious- but I am sure they were totally freaked out by us in this case because there we were in a thrift shop- (tourists don't go to thrift shops) laughing and chatting like a regular day out with the girls in the States....


ROADIE found some amazingly gawdy oversized formal gowns- I am kicking myself in the a** hardcore for not snapping a photo, but it was the kind of gown that would be fun to wear to the commissary on pay day like you did it on purpose....and maybe WALTZ down the aisles....I am kindive thinking this isn't a half bad plan- while the boyz are deployed if we need a good laugh just put on strange costumes and wander around all day.....


Final Booty: A sweater, and a skirt.


The second store was the funny one.....


It seemed bigger....so we scoured through it a few times.  While back in the "lighting" section I saw this ridiculous lamp.  It made me burst out laughing when I saw it.  Then we all got serious- Suddenly I needed to have this lamp.  But it had no price tag, so we had to track down the owner, at first he gave me a high price....I told him I would think about it, than he came down 10 Euro, I told him I would still think about it, than he studied the lamp and me.....was this a bargain situation??? He settled on the second price, ROADIE convinced me I needed to have the lamp and off we went....


While in the clothing section, I found a muskrat scarf.  It appeared, to be, two ferrets sewn together.  I still can't believe I put it around my neck and wore it over like I was in a fashion show to ROADIE.....we laughed so hard we cried, it was really hideous it had like 15 paws dangling down....


Final Booty: Funky Sweater, RETRO Lamp, Girls Drindl, Vintage Linen Nightgowns, and some other items I am having a hard time recalling...


Final Stop:


The last store, we started to really get out of control, but we found some good stuff.  We started to feen off each other, we found stuff that was so good and so cheap we had to buy it.  One of us ended up with an Ottoman that has no particular place in the home, the vegetarian ended up with a fur coat, and I ended up with a tea set that I wasn't totally sold on.....we all talked each other into buy stuff....we were very bad influences....


Final Booty: Retro Tea Set, Yellow Cardigan, Guess Hoodie, Funky Retro Ottoman, Fur Coat, Xmas Gifts, Groovy Faux Fur Hat.


I really cannot wait to go again because we laughed so hard we cried all day.  The tone was like the scene out of The Sweetest Thing- 'Do we have time for a MOVIE MONTAGE?'

Do you ever feel pressed to say the exact right thing? But you can't?  I hate that.....and I feel terrible....I have put a few people in this situation with Jake's passing....I mean what do you say?  Sorry?  I understand? None of these things is going to console the person who is experiencing the grief or solve the upsetting issue......mostly the HUGS have been about the only thing that have helped me.....Does anybody else have this issue?


So its pretty obvious that the guys haven't been allowed to call home....I understand that they are trying to do certain exercises that simulate what a deployment will actually be like, but with all do respect- we deal with an OBSCENE amount of REALITY already......


OH LEGS....


Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. -Albert Einstein


A dream is a wish your heart makes, it is my heart's wish that we dream the same dream, a dream that we are together, and we touch and kiss and laugh, and share stories....meet me tonight my sweet, in the warmth and security of our bed.....


Blowing you a kiss....and sending you this dream....XO


If you OR the LOST BOYZ read this: LEGS your AUDI PARTS came in- I am going to SET UP an APPOINTMENT FOR YOUR BABY!


ITS OFFICIAL: I am depressed...I scanned the frozen food section, the junk food section, the candy section, EVER the cheese section and NOTHING in sight was going to help me feel better....I am calling this the FIELD DIET- you may not be able to see me or find me when you get back...


Knitting Projects Completed:


Baby Hats!

Fitness Front:


YEP....need I say more?

Random Thoughts:


Sometimes...doing the right thing is not the easiest most logical thing, sometimes doing the RIGHT thing is the most difficult, bat-shit crazy, mentally, emotionally, and physically draining thing ever....sometimes doing the right thing....is more than I feel I can do.....


All it takes is all you got.  - Marc Davis


Okie....drinking champagne and eating strawberries turned into getting belligerent ( in a good way if that is possible ) on the phone with LONGSHANKS, while cramming my face with left over carrot cake and pumpkin pie...Not a pretty picture over here...I would classify this as pathetic....


We should be too big to take offense and too noble to give it. -Abraham Lincoln  This is really something I need to work on.....


I got this kid thing in the bag!

TT came over, shared his happy meal with me, thank GOD for the Mickey and Minnie Picture- I was then considered VIP, so he prepared food for me, and then we cuddled on the couch....I think its getting serious....he just has one bad habit- SH*TTING himself......

That would be him preparing me cocktails! :D

Right Next to the DEPRESSION GLASS- I ONLY had to TELL him NO ONE TIME!

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**

My Guardian....THAN and NOW....**

YO BLOG!


Weather: Its gotten cold.....WINTER IS ON ITS WAY!


Exchange Rate: 1 USD = 1.36 EURO WE ARE RICH!!!!


This is not a complaint....merely an amusement...and IF YOU FOLLOW it...I promise it will amuse you too....


There is nothing more IRRITATING than trying to call a friend from Germany, who lives in TEXAS with an ALASKAN CELL PHONE.  While he is currently standing outside (because that is where he gets reception) I am desperately and impatiently redialing his number 500 times, all the while clinging and anxiously watching facebook for him to come on chat status or respond to my previous notification that his phone is going straight to voicemail....and/or my phone is telling me 'all circuits are busy'....with all the COMMUNICATIVE TECHNOLOGY IN THE WORLD- EPIC FAIL!!!!


OFFICIALLY...WINTER- you may come....its been tough work but....the garden and yard have been winterized minus the remaining apples on the trees, the chillies that haven't turned red in the greenhouse, and remaining salad plants....the garden is finished for the season.  And I SURVIVED.....


I started from nothing.  I had never been a girl with houseplants, I have never owned and operated and yard or garden in my life.  Thanks to Marianne, and my hard work, I was successful.  Next year I am really hoping to tackle the flower beds, my flowers were mediocre at best.  It was really disappointing when many of the seeds I planted didn't grow, and when they did it was pretty crazy and out of control.  It was difficult to manage and it got away from me before I could do anything about it with the weeds...Next year I will be growing my vegetables from seeds, but my flowers will already be alive and growing when I put them into the ground.  So that is my one piece of wisdom-


PLANT SEEDS FOR EATING, BUY FLOWERS ALIVE AND GROWING....


I am getting girls who want to do a CO-OP Garden next year together, I can't possibly grow all this food and eat it myself.  I hope they are ready for the HARD WORK!


This is THE STORY:


Seven years ago, a one year old black lab was on his way to the pound.  Having a sense that this lab could be a great dog, and knowing that my FIANCE' was going to WAR in IRAQ, I begged LEGS to RESCUE him.  It took three days.  LEGS finally said yes.  We got Jake.  

Winter 2004

Once Jake got with our golden Clancy, he was the greatest dog ever.  He was energetic and athletic OUTSIDE, but a TOTAL STONER DUDE inside, mellow, low maintenance, happy go lucky.  LEGS deployed for a very dangerous and difficult tour in Iraq, while I was left behind and UTTERLY DEVASTATED at home.  Jake and Clancy were my ROCKS during the deployment, I clung to them as if they were my last breath of air, my last hope of survival.

They both slept in the bed with me at night. I was lonely and frightened of the world during that horrible time.  I was afraid that something would happen to LEGS and because LEGS wasn't there something would happen to me.  

Since I was putting myself through college, I worked at a liquor store.  It was privately owned and the owner allowed me to bring Clancy and Jake with me to the store.  This was so awesome for several reasons, number one I was able to work extremely long hours without worrying about my dogs being taken care of, number two, this job allowed me to wear blue jeans and study when most of my counterparts were partying, so it kept me on the straight and narrow during school.  But....the most important reason was having the SECURITY of having the dogs there with me.


Everybody knows that liquor stores are stop and robs.  This one was no different.  I worked in a city with a lot of problems, every Friday and Saturday night for the better part of 5 years.  While every other shift and person was robbed at one point during my time there.  I WAS NEVER.

People knew my car.  They knew my dogs.  And even to this day they still ask about 'the blonde girl who brings her dogs to work.'  I never felt threatened, or unsafe, I always felt at home and secure because I had Clancy and Jake with me.  And the customers at the store became attached to them as well.


LEGS thankfully returned safely to me, and we proceeded to live out our years with Clancy, Jake and our new edition Karmella.  Karmella was a post deployment gift to me from LEGS.  He knew what I had been through so he got me a little lap dog.  I always tell him, she is the best present he has ever given me.  Her and I are twin souls, the connection and companionship I have with her is indescribable.  

LEGS returns unharmed Summer of 2007

Those that have followed my blog know the heartache and angst LEGS and I went through when we found out we were being stationed in NEVER NEVER LAND- while we were excited about our new adventure, we were also making some very tough decisions about the dogs.  At this time I felt incredibly attached to and guilty about giving Jake up.  We knew that it would be harder for us to find proper living in NNL, if we had more than one dog, and a big do to boot.  


After months of debate, indecision, heartbreak, and horrific stress we had finally made decisions regarding our family members.  Clancy would go to Queen Di and BobDad.  Jake would go to SISSY, and Karmella would come with me.  

I had horrible nightmares and extreme anxiety over the transition and idea of splitting up the dogs.  They had been a pack for so many years, now we were splitting them up, moving them to different homes, all over the holidays, while DRIVING to Oregon and back to Alabama.  The trip was ASTOUNDING, and even when I comprehend what we did last Christmas I feel.....utterly speechless.  

Jake was always a protector in this picture Clancy is very sick- Also notice the customary shoe- Jake would always carry up one shoe when you came to visit......

The day we sent Jake to Alaska.  LEGS and I tearfully shipped him out at the airport in Portland.  When we got back into the car, we both sobbed, wailed and clung to each other with a heartsickness that put a man of LEGS' nature down.  We comforted ourselves by telling each other that we would see him again.....

But since I have lost a dear friend telling myself that it was hard for me to accept.....I had a inkling that I would never see Jake again.

Squeezed onto Karmella's bed....

I think it was right than that Jake's heart started to crumble.  When he arrived in ALASKA he had almost clawed his way out of his kennel.  Things seemed to be going well for the first month or so, but then he started to show troubling behavior.  He was urinating in the house, so my SISSY couldn't take him more places, than he started to lose weight.  A LOT of weight.

The list LEGS made before we left for Oregon Xmas 2010

The original suspicion was that he had worms.  I was kind of surprised because I had him on medication to de-worm him once a month in ALABAMA.  None-the-less the Vet gave him medication to get rid of the worms.  Still continued to lose weight.  Back to the Vet.  Blood tests showed that now Jake had a thyroid disorder.  He had Hyperthyroid disorder- hence losing all the weight.  

Okay stop.  I find this so surreal.  I have a thyroid disorder which I have battled for many years, now the dog I gave up and sent away was struggling in life and was no diagnosed with a thyroid disorder too?!  This one troubles me, and makes me wonder about the nature of the world, and this life.....its just too ironic for me.

Pictures of the Last SLUMBER- last night the pack was together

My SISSY tried.  My WHOLE FAMILY tried.  But how do you save a dog who has a heart in a million little pieces.  Jake started being aggressive toward other dogs.  


(This wasn't the first time either.  When LEGS and I moved to Alabama, right before I shipped the dogs down, he attacked another dog.  The dog he attacked was very small and almost died.  LEGS and I paid the Vet bill, and at one point were discussing how we were going to afford getting Jake down to Alabama since he just spent his plane ticket money....Because LEGS loves me so much, and knew what I was giving up to join him, he came up with the funds to get Jake down to Alabama.  The Vet said he probably had behaved that way due to the extreme stress of transition)

It had become an issue, this aggressiveness, and everybody was trying to figure out how to fix the problem.  Bringing him over here, (which is impossible with the aggression problem- in NNL the first bite is death, whereas in America the first bite is free), finding him an alternative home that could give him what he requires, and SISSY was desperately trying to give Jake everything he needed to be a good boy.  


I was experiencing an incredibly amount of agitation, concern and guilt over the situation.  SISSY was breaking under the pressure to do right by me, LEGS and I were feeling terrible for letting Jake down, I was feeling angry that we had left him to come here in the first place, The Daddy was at a loss for solutions....but we all just held our breath and started to pray.


A few weeks later, Jake attacked Snickers.  Snickers is also a Min Pin like Karmella, she is the equivalent of Karmella to SISSY.  I got a desperate call from SISSY that there was blood all over the house and that Jake had once again crossed the line.

It was clear.  He heart was TOO BROKEN FOR LIFE.  As much as we had tried- which was a lot- we just couldn't save Jake.  This has been an underlying reality and tone in my life these past few years.  Sometimes no matter how hard you try or how much you work, or how badly you want it- you can't save "them"......

I NEVER thought it possible to EXPERIENCE this kind of GREIF over a dog, but all I could think of was how much he had been there for me, and how I have failed to be there for him now.....OH MY JAKEY BOY, our lives are so INTERWOVEN it will take more than an angel to detangle us....

We all had one day.  I was alone in NEVER NEVER LAND...(GO FIGURE) and SISSY was spending Jakes last day doing all the things he likes to do.  Long walks, fetch with a tennis ball, sleeping like a human in the big bed, eating lots of treats and bones, being unconditionally pet and loved, being the center of attention....


That day......I cried so much I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.  I wailed, I sobbed, I shed a few tears, I got angry, wailed some more, cried some more.  I just couldn't stop crying.  Karmella never left my side, her ears were the first to catch my tears, she licked my face as we laid on the hard wood floor and mourned our beloved Jake The Snake.  I felt like I had really failed something I really loved.....I HAD FAILED something that I LOVE......

"The best friend man has in the world may turn against him and become his enemy. His son, or daughter, that he has reared with loving care, may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and good name may become traitors to their faith. The money a man has he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most. A man's reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. The people who are prone to fall on their knees when success is with us may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our head.

The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. A man's dog stands by him in prosperity and poverty, in health and in sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground when the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only to be near his master's side. He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer, he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince.

When all other friends desert, he remains. When riches take wing, and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens.

If fortune drives his master forth, an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him, to guard him against danger, to fight against his enemies. And when that last scene of all comes, and death takes his master in its embrace and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there, by the graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad, but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true, even in death."

(Senator George Graham Vest, speaking to a jury about his dog, Old Drum, shot in 1869) **



Sometimes I get angry....I am exhausted, my eyes are red and swollen from crying, I get angry because I am married, I took a vow, I walked down the aisle I meant every line and I did it so I wouldn't be alone...and here I am alone....Karmella knows I have a broken heart, she won't leave my side, here I am relying on, being comforted, talking and crying to and being UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED by another canine....**

I cried in my keyboard when I found these-SISSY with JAKE

I sought comfort, and words by looking on the internet for pet loss sympathies......and boy did I find a few things that REALLY grasp what a DOG is TO ME.....


All DOGS GO TO HEAVEN.......I received the call.....Jake was laid to rest.


You are my other eyes that can see above the clouds; my other ears that hear above the winds.  You are the part of me that can reach out to sea. You have told me a thousand times over that I am your reason for being; by the way you rest against my leg (which you Jake did to everybody); by the way you them your tail at my smallest smile; by the way you show your hurt when I leave without take you (I am sorry- that I left you and separated you from Clancy- I am sorry that I broke your heart.) I think it makes you sick with worry when you are not along to care for me.) When I am wrong you are delighted to forgive (which is the ONLY thing that is SAVING MY SPIRIT RIGHT NOW) When I am angry, you clown to make me smile.  When I am happy, you are joy unbounded.  When I am a fool, you ignore it.  When I succeed, you brag.


Without you, I am only another girl.  With you, I am all-powerful.  You are loyalty itself.  You have taught me the meaning of devotion.  With you, I know a secret comfort and a private peace.  You have brought me understanding where before I was ignorant.  Your head on my knee can heal my human hurts.  Your presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.


I hope you promise to wait for me....whenever....wherever- in case I need you.  And I expect I will- as I always have.  You are just my dog.


(Gene Hill)


JAKE THE SNAKE
Fall 2003- Fall 2011
MY GUARDIAN THEN AND NOW.....

Always WATCHING...Always GUARDING....THE BLACK KNIGHT

Sometimes....I get very ANGRY...I am exhausted, my eyes are red and swollen from crying, I get ANGRY because I am married, I took a vow, walked down the aisle- I meant EVERY LINE and I did it so I wouldn't be alone....and here I am alone....(I haven't even told LEGS our DOG IS DEAD!)....Karmella knows I have a broken heart, she won't leave my side, here I am relying on, being comforted by, talking and crying to, and being UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED by another CANINE....(IRONY BLOWS)....


On this night.....I had one of the loneliest nights I have ever had in recent memory....I literally cried myself to sleep, I am sure I had many of these nights when LEGS was deployed last but I have forgotten how bad it really can be.....


"If you have a dog, you will most likely outlive it; to get a dog is to open yourself to a profound joy and, prospectively, to equally profound sadness." Marjorie Garber


While my heart is just sick with despair, I am so glad I was able to experience that kind of love, and I think it has gotten even more serious with Karmella because of her I did not cry alone last night....


It just goes to show you that this lifestyle is FULL of sacrifices that MOST PEOPLE don't even think of or COMPREHEND.....


Do me a favor- LOVE YOUR PET tonight and be thankful that you are able to cry on the shoulder of the one you love, be thankful that the one you love is right next to you- during the trials and tribulations of life.......some are not as fortunate.....

LEGS is away.....


So....if he could read this or I could talk to him these are the things I would say....


I was ALMOST BRAVE tonight....I made dinner, and sat at the kitchen table by myself to eat it- no TV or book, just me eating by myself...I did sit in your chair though....and than Princess Peach showed up and chatted me up while I ate....that is why I was ALMOST BRAVE...I do miss you....I slept last night on my "side" just like you were next to me.....LOVE YOU LEGS...


The other night- I was in bed and took my nightly meds- like I ALWAYS DO, a pill got caught in my throat and I started choking....I panicked, got off the bed and ran to the bathroom, I was able to get the pill dislodged by hitting my chest as hard as I could and breathing out really hard, I kept thinking how scared I was, I kept thinking I would be dead in the house and nobody would find me , how scared Karmella would be....at least if we had a child they could call the emergency number, so....IF I am not knocked up by the time you leave- I am purposing one of those necklaces old people wear to alert people they have fallen.....


I watched a romantic movie, part way through I busted out the rainbow nerds Queen Di sent despite my ambition to remain disciplined on ADVOCARE, its rainy and windy, Karmella keeps barking at nothing and the house is making strange noises- IM FREAKIN OUT OVER HERE MAN! I miss you....wish you were here to play with my hair...Meet me tonight?
Love you boopy....


Call me.....not because I NEED you....but just because I WANT you too...


DEAR LEGS, My "TIFFANY'S" are starting to get a little PSYCHO.....that is all....Love on ya, ARMS

Random Thoughts:


I always thought people who used Mac's and REFUSED to use PC's were NUTS....UNTIL I got one. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my MAC and I LOVED MY IPHONE....I MISS...MY IPHONE....the man who created these two very delightful things once said "I WANT pt out a DING in the UNIVERSE"....Me too buddy and I THANK YOU for giving me the tools to attempt such a crusade....GOD SPEED MR. JOBS...

MISS YOU JAKE!

A day of GRIEF in the life of an unlikely military wife....**