beloved LEGS...
After years of being stationed in NEVER NEVER LAND, its no wonder that we are a little estranged from both of our families. The two of us have not been home to visit together for more than a few SHORT periods, usually before or after deployments.
During these periods I can't say that us or our families behave "normally" because of the stress involved. How does one operate normally when its possible this is the last time we will all see one another? How does one behave around a person who just came back from a war zone? Is it right to behave "normally"? Or should special attention and consideration be made for this bizarre time?
It frustrates me when many moments of our visit I see the distance between us and the family, it makes me very, very sad. There are so many times when it becomes apparent that even our families do not understand our lifestyle, so many moments in which there is an element of surprise on both behalf's at some random detail of both lives, and some even tense conversations about view points on all things political.
Am I in denial? I am always left scratching my head. How is it possible that we could grow up, with the same parents, live in the same house, go to the same schools, church, have the same neighborhood friends, the same childhood memories, and yet there be so much distance between us as adults?
The awkward isolation, odd man out, cast away feelings I get make my heart ache to return to the world that we have created for ourselves.....the world where our views are perhaps not always agreed upon but certainly understood. The world where we are loved, where we are a little idolized and at the very least supported by almost strangers.......the phenomena makes me feel sick....and like crying....which admittedly, I did.
I just wish it wasn't so hard to reconnect to "our people." I feel protective toward you, and toward what you have done. It should be recognized, there should be an attempt to understand you. I feel like, you are the most amazing person on earth and your sum should be known. I wonder if it is difficult for you to be unseen, misunderstood, unknown by people I know that you love insanely dearly. I asked you about it. And you said the most profound thing.
"I don't want them to think about it. I do it, so they don't have to think about it."
To make matters even harder for me to understand.....while home....I watched a family member of mine harshly criticize my mother. To be honest the message was difficult to understand following the words felt like entering a maze to which there was no real solution. Determining a conclusion or the correct response was maddening. When my mother defended herself she was told to eliminate herself from the life of her sibling and actions to promote that finality were set in motion.
This. I do not understand. While it is very hard for LEGS and I to always understand, hold compassion, and love our families despite the distance and estrangement.......we could never and would never willingly eliminate them from our lives. At the end of the day I could only conclude that this phenomena MUST be a luxury of civilian life.
To dismiss an individual because they are difficult, challenging, because they live a way you don't agree with, or navigate differently then you do even though they are your blood, to me, is a cardinal sin, one that I will never understand.
On our last night in Alaska. I said goodbye to my sisters as if I would see them again tomorrow. I felt like things were like they used to be. We lived at home, we were close, I felt a unity with my family that I hadn't felt in years.
The next morning we left under the cover of night in a taxi, it started to snow a little, as I gazed out the window watching the flakes blow by, my heart fell apart, because I realized that I wouldn't see them tomorrow. And that closeness, I feared, was already floating away.
.....just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**
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