Roaches.....I just threw up in my mouth...**

When I first moved down to the Dirty Dirty I had been warned about the bugs, however, these warnings did not include the full details of what a cockroach is really like.  They fly, they bite,  they are not afraid of light AT ALL, they are VERY hard to kill,  they drink Raid like its koolaid, they can live headless for weeks and survive atomic holocaust,  they eat their cousins when the food sources are scarce, the larger they are the older they are and the better they escape, and they move like the chick in the horror movie The Grudge.  If I could ever have a super power it would be to move like a cockroach- I'm cereal right now.

After learning all of this, I am absolutely disgusted by these creatures.  To the point that I am totally petrified when they come around, I feel like I am going to vomit, and I totally lose my will to fight, which basically means I run, scream, and panic.  I have been known to clear reclined couches, run faster than a speeding bullet, and hurt myself flailing around thinking they are on me.  I am so disgusted by them I couldn't even stomach the Disney movie WALLE because the main character had a pet roach.

My first serious encounter with this despicable insect was in the theater room.  (the theater room has two crawl spaces attached to it and its above the garage- so I think this is why they creep in this room)

It was pitch black in the room, I am watching a really good movie, and snacking on Pretzel M&M's (don't bother buying the M&M's they suck).  When I was done eating the M&M's I FLATTENED out the bag and put it PERPENDICULAR in between my water glass and the remote control.  I am so relaxed.........I am about to fall asleep.........I hear rustling.  I convince myself my elbow hit the M&M bag......even though my elbow was 12 inches away.  I sit there for another 10 minutes.  

More rustling.....I look over and the M&M bag is straight up moving away- like it has grown legs and started leaving.  I am off the couch and the light is on is record speed.  I watch this 2 inch cockroach crawl out of the M&M bag and crawl under the coffee table.  When I say under the coffee table I mean the damn thing crawled across the table, down the side, and underneath the glass- so I could see its belly on the top from underneath.  Then it disappeared into thin air. YES, yes, yes.........this actually happened to me.  

I worked so hard yesterday that I could not wait to get on the couch to put my feet up and do some knitting.  I'm sitting on the reclining couch, nuzzled in a blanket, Karmella is in my lap, I'm knitting and about 5 minutes into my favorite show Chelsey Lately.  Clancy and Jake are sprawled out on the floor.  (Side note: LEGS is flying nights so he is NOT home) Suddenly Jake launches to his feet.  It startles me- so I start cursing at the dog to "Chill Out!!!" At this point I saw it.  A 2 inch Cockroach crawling by the door.  So....I am off the couch, light is on, and I am thinking: Expletive!!! Sh*t!!! Expletive!!! Sh*t!!!! I am stuck in this GD room!!!! Finally Karmella chased it down to the third step on the stairwell.  So I run as fast as I can down the hallway screaming and flailing in utter panic.  I go down the other set of stairs in the house (thank God for the Southern "courtesy steps" in the back and front of the house- it crosses my mind this may be why they invented them) and grab the spray.  

Now, I am blond, and I have been punched in the head a lot.  But I don't intend on bringing a gun to the a knife fight.  So I start reading the label on the spray- does this stuff KILL ON CONTACT or not? It DOES!!!! YES!!! So I stand in the hallway and do the self pep talk.  "Tiff you can do this, this is no big deal you just spray the damn thing and it will die.  I do the heepy jeepy dance just thinking about it....a little dry heave.....just threw up in my mouth.......Tiff just do this you have to be strong. Okay that's it IM IN!!! Where in the hell is the damn roach??? Disappeared.......

I have gotten better about dealing with bugs.  I have learned to kill them, or I just put cups on them and wait for LEGS to get home to kill them.  But the roaches I just can't do.  I am currently starving and can't bring myself to go down into the kitchen because a roach is down there.**